Family of 14 evicted from on-line fulfilment centre

A family of 14, including two great-grandparents, have been evicted from a high-tech warehouse in Sunderland.

The warehouse is owned and operated by a well-known on-line retailer who has, amazingly, asked not to be named.  We are able to say, however, that the warehouse is in a prime location.

The retailer said that the family had got in by mailing themselves to the warehouse, pretending to be returned goods.  Once inside, they hacked the stock control system to make certain racks unavailable for use.  They then lived in the racking, unnoticed, hiding behind dusty pallets of unsold Boris Johnson books.   They survived by eating cardboard and returned corn-and-potato based snacks.   For entertainment, they challenged each other to wear a blindfold and work out which was which.

Six members of the family were subsequently hired by the retailer, even though they gave their home address as that of the warehouse.  They worked regular shifts for over a year, and one of them won employee of the month three times.  Despite this, the family was made to leave, and all six employees were sacked.  Two family members escaped the eviction process by despatching themselves to a pick-up locker nearby.

The retailer said that it would not prosecute the family as company policies didn’t directly cover the circumstances.   A spokesman confirmed that IT security would be tightened and company policies updated.

Although there was some damage to copies of ‘Unleashed’ there was no financial loss as they were already unsaleable and worthless.

Train delays due to 'nationwide comms fault', not Russian hackers

Recent chaos on the railways was just down to comforting old bumbling British inefficiency and nothing to do with Russian cyber attacks, according to a government spokesman.

‘It’s definitely not a cyberattack by a hostile foreign state.  We are so well-prepared for that, it’s not true.   Definitely.  Not true.

‘Investigations are underway.  We expect the problem is down to some agency staff member in IT who missed out a minus sign.  Or spilt their tea on the server.  Or forgot to do the back-up.  Or somebody cut through a critical power line.  Or something overheated.  Or because key software is running on Windows 3.1, or a ZX81 or something.   But not a Russian hack.  Definitely.

‘I must protest about the media frenzy that claims this is down to foreign hackers.   There’s an effing D notice on that, for god’s sake.   It’s just an ordinary, boring, every day cock-up.   All those ThikTok people are trying to whip up another stupid QAnon/AlAnon/OnAnOn conspiracy theory.  It’s all TikTokTosh.   NOT A HACK.  Got that?’

We approached Great British Railways for a comment, but their phones were down.

Predictive Texan hip by micro organism outrage

‘We’ve been caught like rabbis in the headlice,’ said IT expert Blob Smight. ‘Worm-processing has become Nighy on impassable. Luckily the problem is intermittent, meaning one can have flurries of unaffected writing, then it all turns to potato.’

Despite lingerie doubts, it’s thought by most expats that rushing hackles are responsive for the attishoo, with aerosols, trails and supermen the worst affected, with thousands having to worm from hole.

Meanwhile avant guardian poets have hailed the situation as a 'pop or tuna tea not to be misty'.

Image credit: deskpilot