Krypton Factor super-children ‘bit of a disappointment’

It was one of the most-watched TV programmes from the late 70s to the mid 90s. Super-fit brainiacs ran an assault course, sat IQ tests and were tested on their powers of observation. Male and female finalists were then matched in a secret breeding process modelled on the Nazi ‘Lebensborn’ programme which produced that one from Abba you didn’t fancy.

‘We had high hopes for the Krypton Kids’, a spokesman told us. ‘Fit, intelligent, observant – the three qualities you need in a master race. The mistake the Nazis made was focusing too much on appearance. As long as they were white we didn’t care’.

The first products of the breeding programme are now in their forties, but have yet to discover cold fusion or form one quarter of a global superband. Where did the programme go wrong?

‘We were too picky, we should have had thousands of couples, tens of thousands’, the spokesman said. ‘Also, the ability to remember a number plate from a brief video might not have been the superpower we thought it was.’

Critics have generally been somewhat negative about eugenics-based breeding programmes, though Nigel Farage is understood to be ‘quite interested’ in a large-scale reboot.

Photo by Hal Gatewood on Unsplash

Coleen and Rebekah to battle it out in the ring

Inspired by the pointless money-grabbing exercise that was the fight between Jake Paul and Mike Tyson, we have been told Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy have decided to stage their own boxing match.

In a move that's possibly less violent than their infamous Wagatha Christie court case, the two footballers’ wives will go toe to toe live on TV.

The TV rights to the fight – due to take place at 3am in a locked-in pub in Wigan - have been bought by Sky Sports for £1.50.

“We’re both up for it,” said an excited Rooney, who is married to one of the worst football managers in Plymouth. “And there’s no chance of either of us getting a split lip because there’s too much collagen in there.”

“She’s dead,” added Vardy. “And I’ve asked my agent to drop my phone into the sea so my training doesn’t distracted.”

Bookmakers have Vardy as the 5-1 favourite compared with 16-2 for her rival.

“To be honest, they both look so similar we could probably get away with claiming the loser had won,” said a spokesman for Padded Power.

image from pixabay

Post Office admits pre-Horizon system Abacus may have been faulty

While the inquiry into the Horizon IT scandal continues its work, the Post Office has now admitted that the accounting system prior to Horizon may itself have been faulty. Abacus seemed at first glance to be a relatively straightforward rod and bead apparatus, but sub-postmasters have revealed they had their doubts about its accuracy soon after it was installed.

Raj Williams, who ran a small village post office, said problems started almost immediately after he received his Abacus from Post Office Counters. 'It just didn’t add up,' he told us. 'I’d be pushing these beads about for each transaction and at the end of the day what was on the Abacus didn’t match what I had in the till. I rang the Help Desk but they completely ticked me off. Told me to pick it up and put it down again.'

Meanwhile, The Post Office concedes there might have been an issue with sum devices, but insists nobody is making a drama out of it and any compensation due will be tabulated in the usual way.

A spokesperson for Fujitsu commented, 'At least we’re not in the frame for this one.'

Photo by Kati Hoehl on Unsplash