Australian geologists who have discovered fossilised soft tissue remains of the Gogo fish, believed to be 380 million years old, are disputing whether it predates the critical Darwinian development of all humans, or just the sub species that doesn't include Jacob Rees-Mogg. 'The Gogo fish clearly had a heart,' stated the scientists in a terse statement today
image from pixabay
Although thousands of NHS patients were affected, the Government insisted no undead would get a handout – unless it was Jacob Rees Mogg: ‘There is a big difference between being unknowingly infected, compared to going around London sucking the blood of virgins’. Countered one vampire: ‘Do you know how difficult it is to find a virgin in London?’
Neither will any leeches be compensated, although Keir Starmer said he would still pay their shareholders. There would be no payments for vampires getting cold-sores, dry mouth or bad breath. Commented Dracula: ‘Well, that sucks’.
Image from Pixabay by TheDigitalArtist
Among the countless Brexit benefits already identified by Mr Rees-Mogg, he is proposing a bill be put before parliament that would ban shops and supermarkets from using barcode technology and return to good old-fashioned British price labels.
Mr Rees-Mogg's "accountant" explained that Jacob's personal success with massaging hedge funds came partly from his pleasure as a child, in mentally adding up the cost of the shopping in his nanny’s trolley as she placed it on the conveyor in Harrods food hall.
'He could tell her to the exact farthing what her shopping would cost and any discrepancy with what was demanded of her by the servant at the till, would obviously be due to fraud. Whereupon the store manager would call security and insist the till slave was whipped to within an inch of her life and denied gruel. Until she begged for forgiveness and promised to be trustworthy on fear that if it happened again, the graves of her dead children would be sent to Rwanda, or some other God-forsaken hell hole like Glastonbury.'
Enquiries into whether Mr Rees-Mogg had used the self-checkout systems that supermarkets now have, brought the following reply from his "accountant": 'Good Heavens no! A trip to a supermarket would be over as soon as one walked in, with those ridiculous EU-inspired things. A supermarket trip surely needs to allow sufficient time in the checkout queue to have at least a three-course picnic.'
