Johnson to change deadly sins system to five

The Prime-minister has announced a revamp of what was previously known as the 7 deadly sins with gluttony and lust being removed "as soon as practical, certainly before Carrie finds out".

Mr Rees-Mogg, appearing blinking and ruffled after months of searching for Brexit benefits, appeared to explain the religious connotations. "The 7 deadly sins were thought up by some EU country and it's about time we got rid of some long obsolete so called 'sins' that left-wing clerics go on about."

With lust and gluttony already numbered, sloth and pride - described by Mr Johnson as "good, Conservative values" are thought to be next, although the introduction of "not taking one for the prime-minister" as a new sin is being considered.

Boris Johnson Politician Prime - Free image on Pixabay

‘Monkeypox a Brexit dividend’ insists Rees-Mogg

Brexit minister Jacob Rees-Mogg has welcomed the outbreak of monkeypox here in the UK saying it is clearly a Brexit dividend and should be seen as a triumph and not something to be concerned about.

‘The joy of having monkeypox is that you need to isolate for up to 21 days….which means the chances of contracting Covid are massively reduced. It's a win-win situation for all Brexit loving Brits. The spread of monkeypox would not have happened had we still been in the EU and we would not have been able to benefit from it as we are today’ said the Somerset MP. 'It also means there is another huge demand for expensive PPE….and we all know what that means.'

'The risk of infection is not great at the moment but with the NHS struggling to meet demand for even the most routine of appointments it is sure to explode soon', continued Rees-Mogg. 'Infections are highest amongst sexually active people like sex workers, drug users, promiscuous sex addicts, multiple sex partners, swingers and Tory MPs….so most of you will be fine for now.'

'But that is about to change. As Minister for Brexit Opportunities I can see the potential for massive potenital for anybody with the right connections', continued Rees-Mogg. 'Anybody needing PPE should contact one of our providers…..like one of the off-shore companies I manage or trade shares in.'

'Would you like my cousins phone number....tell him Jake sent you'.

Rees Mogg inadvertently damns Johnson with faint praise