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Bypassing the Strait of Hormuz


The United Arab Emirates have offered to build a canal to bypass the Strait of Hormuz, and thus piss-off the Iranian regime big time.  It will only cost a few £mega-squillion and will be cheaper, as well as easer & quicker to build than Britain's HS2 and could actually get completed and do something useful.  No bats are likely to be harmed in the building of the canal.


It's a toss-up whether the best source of funding would be crowd funding, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk or a sweepstake on how many Supreme Leaders Iran is likely to get through before they run out of Ayatollahs or America runs of of shells, drones and missiles.  International oil companies might even, eventually become slightly interested.




Jeff Bezos: Saviour Of The World

The world has fallen prostrate at the feet of Amazon warehouse king, Jeff Bezos. Despite the best efforts of the police, various governments, parents, teachers, social workers, etc around the world, no one has managed to reduce gun crime, let alone stop it.


Then Jeff Bezos had a fantastic idea. Buy the James Bond franchise and airbrush all the guns out of the posters.


‘I’m completely shocked.’ explains Nancy Dempton of London’s East End. ‘I never would’ve thought. We had quite a lot of gun crime around here – not as much as there used to be but still, there’s enough. The police have been having amnesties and all sorts but nothing has worked. Jeff Bezos should absolutely get the Nobel Peace Prize for this.’


Not everyone is happy though. Donald Trump made use of a press conference about the situation between Russia and Ukraine to share his thoughts: ‘Guns are great. Aren’t guns great? Guns are great. Guns don’t shoot people – guns shoot bullets. Beautiful guns shooting beautiful bullets. James Bond – or 007 as I like to call him – we’re friends, you know that? Yeah we’re friends – we’re old friends. Go way back – I taught him everything he knows. I also invented his car that goes under water. You see that car? The car that goes under water? I invented that. So yeah, 007 - He calls me number one - 007 should have more guns! Bigger guns! The guy wears a belt – he could fit atleast a half dozen holsters on there, and he has pockets – he wears jackets. Lots of jackets. Lots of jackets means lots of pockets. One gun in each pocket – maybe two if they’re big pockets. I dunno – are they big pockets? I dunno. Or small guns. Are they small guns? I dunno that either – nobody knows. Nobody knows. He’s very secretive about the size of his guns – always has been. I always liked that about him. He also has two beautiful strong shoulders. Two manly, strong, beautiful shoulders. He could easily have a rifle over each shoulder. That’s how you end gun crime. More guns than the other guy. Bigger and better guns than the other guy.’


And as if ridding the world of gun crime wasn’t enough, word is going round that Bezos isn’t done yet. According to his spokesman Marvin Tubbard, Bezos is now going to rid the world of womanising by also removing all the women from the Bond posters.


An international petition has already gained 200,000,000 signatures for Bezos to edit other classic film posters, to make the world an even safer, more harmonious place.




Elon Musk sends old flame Donald Trump a scare package

The White House has received a package ticking more suspiciously than a Tesla.


Personally addressed to 'Nice wig. It would be a shame if something happened to it', the delivery was initially popped over the back fence of 1602 Pennsylvania Avenue by the ever diligent Jeff Bezos.


Following close scrutiny by defunded and non-existent security services, the parcel was declared probably OK, and left on the Resolute Desk along with the usual viciously nobbled giant Russian gherkin, a tub of expired Kinky-Yogurt Jelly, and a bottle of medicinal bleach.


Included in the thoughtful scare package were tickets to an America Party, a selection of rapid unscheduled disassembly products, and a horse's head called Peter Thiel.


It is unclear at this time which of the fake Donald Trumps opened the bundle, but the noise from the Oval Orifice was described as 'a bit SpaceXy'.


However, initial reports confirmed that Mark Zuckerberg was sat on the floor in the corner of his bedroom at someone else's mum's house rocking with his chin on his knees murmuring, 'No one ever sends me nuffink.'



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