Reasons why I didn't go to Jeff Bezos' wedding in Venice

What do you do when you get a wedding invite to a billionaire tech bro's wedding in Venice? Now you have to rearrange your diary, get plane tickets to Italy, figure out if you can claim it as a business expense, buy a new outfit, and more. Worst of all, you have to get them a wedding present that isn't for sale on Amazon, but would be delivered quicker & reliably. And you probably can't get it from Temu or Shein either, as that would cause offence. What a hassle!

So, given the cost, inconvenience, wall-to-wall media coverage, and - worst of all - having to meet all those annoying rich bastards - you could apply yourself to finding an excellent reason why you can't go.

Which is what we did.

Here's our list of the best excuses we could come up with...

- I didn't know when it was - somebody should have mentioned it

- Lauren and I used to be an item

- I turned up at Venice Street, Bolton

- I'm far too rich to attend pleb weddings

- Jeff stole my idea for an online marketplace, and I haven't forgiven him

- I would only go if Donald went with me

- all the Prime seats had gone

- I found another one cheaper on eBay

- it's a hard choice between Jeff's wedding and a hotel stay with Donald Trump in Moscow, afternoon tea with Harold Shipman and a pony trekking holiday in Gaza; I think I'll go to Gaza

- I was worried I'd have to subscribe to regular weddings in order to get money off

- it would betray all my Venice-in-peril donations from eating Veneziana pizzas

- I only go to weddings with five star reviews

- I didn't want to marry Jeff Bezos

- Amazon had increased the price of posh frocks and tuxedos in the run-up to the wedding, and Dunn and Co, went bust after Amazon came on the scene, so I had no idea if I'd just look like a fat bastard in an ill-fitting suit at such short notice

- I was worried that the wedding would show up in my favourites list

- Venice for weddings is so passé

- I was performing a secret set at Glastonbury - so secret no one was there

- it was the only day I could get a driving test

- I was stuck on a train in Wisbech on the connecting route to Great Yarmouth

- I'm Keanu Reeves and I wouldn't go to something like that

- because I'd see more of the wedding at home on TV than I would if I was there in person

- I've been to three funerals recently, so I don't need any more free nosh

With contributions from deskpilot, modelmaker, lockjaw, sirlupus, will , and Titus

Image credit: Wix AI

Spaceship to recover lost TV episodes

Billionaire Tech Bro Jeff Bezos is planning to recover lost TV episodes from space.

He claims that TV programmes originally broadcast in the fifties and sixties, for which no recordings exist, ‘can be recovered from space’.  The theory is that the original broadcast signals are still travelling out in deep space and that, if you have a fast enough spaceship, then you could get ahead of the signals in time to record them for posterity.

Blue Origin is building a new and super-fast rocket that will be able to find and record lost episodes of Dad’s Army, Hancock’s Half Hour and Steptoe and Son.  The company also hopes to recover some old American TV programmes, but who cares about those?  Blue Origin is offering to find and record the old shows as an important service to humanity, but also to boost audiences on Prime TV, as it’s cheaper than making new shows.

‘These sitcoms are enormously important records of British culture in the 1960s,’ said a spokesperson who hardly looked 19, never mind 60, and clearly knew nothing about old British TV classics.  ‘Modern technology can recover these lost programmes and monetise them for future generations.’

There are rumours of a deal with the BBC that will allow the recovered shows to be broadcast in Britain for free, in return for the rights to re-broadcast them around the world on pay TV.  Who knew that the BBC could be that savvy?

A spokesman for Jeff Bezos reiterated the importance of the mission. ‘The jokes may not have aged well. The jokes could be racist, misogynist and anti-trans.   But a little controversy never hurt sales, so we are happy to rescue Britain once again – this time by saving their beloved, low-budget, and funny-for-reasons-that-Americans-don’t-understand TV sitcoms.’

Image credit: deep dream generator

Various vacuous vixens voyage into the void

Noted rocket scientist and astrophysicist Katy Perry has criticised the apparent lack of return trajectory for the Blue Origin space rocket.

A spokeswoman said, 'Katy has crunched the numbers, and she’s not happy with the rocket's thrust or fuel burn rates. She would also like to know how best to make her space suit a bit sluttier – what with all the thrusting. If she makes it back, hopefully she'll be able to describe space without using the word 'girl-boss', but let's see.'

Divorce lawyer Karolina Krychowiak said, 'Divorce number 1 cost Bezos $38 billion, so to avoid divorce number 2 he’s going to fire his girlfriend and some collateral damage, into the depths of space. That's cold - and I'm not talking about the depths of space.'

Old school sexist Derek Drummond dribbled, 'They’ve got all of space, but I bet those women still won’t be able to park.' Drummond went suspiciously quiet when shown a photo of Perry in her newly altered space suit.

Picture credit: Deep Dream Generator