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Starmer 'forgot' he was supposed to be a cult leader

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'To be honest, he thought it was a typo originally, and therefore considered he was doing ok,' said a spokesman when asked why Labour hadn't followed the other parties down the cult route started by Johnson with his three word slogans and industrial scale grift.


'Wacky hairstyles can be a good sign of being a cult, look at Argentina's leader,' pointed out the spokesman.  'Wielding a chainsaw helps, too,' he added.


The main feature of cults is that they rarely exist if and when the leader of the cult is no longer available.


'Do you think "Your Party" will be around long if Jeremy Corbyn retires?  Or worse, gets a daytime TV slot presenting Ground Force?' asked a political expert with more than twenty followers on Twitter, also known as 'Why'.


'Will the Republicans continue if Trump loses his marbles?' he asked, putting a hand up to his ear.  'I might have to get back to you on that one,' he said.


'What chance of Reform continuing if Nigel Farage gets offered the multi-million evening talk show on Fox in the US?  Or someone finds out why he said the same things Nathan Gill said for the Russian's roubles, but only apparently for free?  Or if anyone goes remotely into that Clacton house purchase? Put it this way, insiders believe he's already bought shares in a sack making company, with sacks big enough for rats to fight in.  I'd suggest investing in popcorn manufacturing as well,' he added.


'And what about the Greens?  Zack Polanski is driving up the membership and is in touching distance of appearing on Laura Kuenssberg to be talked over.  If he decided to go back to hypnotising women to believe they can think their boobs bigger, where will the greens be?


'Ed Davey might be replaceable for the Lib Dems, but who wants to risk life and limb representing them?'


'So that only leaves Labour and as was pointed out, they forgot to elect a cult leader, which makes them a boring outlier in today's British politics and may condemn them to still being here in four years time,' said the expert.


'The Conservatives?  The people who replaced their cult leader with Truss, Sunak and now Badenoch?  Have you seen the party conference?  No, for them it was definitely a typo!'




Jeremy Corbyn splits in half

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Firebrand left-winger Jeremy Corbyn, having run out of other people to split from, has now split himself in half.


Having split from Zarah Sultana, co-leader of the People’s Front of Islington, a party they both formed when they split from Labour, Corbyn said he noticed a strange tremor passing through his body. Once it had passed, he saw that he was now two people, who were of course bitterly opposed to each other.


In a scene many have described as reminiscent of Gollum in Lord of the Rings, he then proceeded to argue with himself.


“It’s alright, I’ll found a new party with my friends.'


'You don’t have any friends! Except Hamas, of course.'


'Maybe I’ll go and dig the allotment and think things over.'


'Oh that’s right, just walk away from the mess you’ve made, as usual…'


He then mumbled something about needing to get back “the precious', by which he is thought to mean the means of production, distribution and exchange.


His alter-ego then taunted him he’d even split from Diane Abbott, to which he replied that he was never going to regret that.


He finally made a public statement admitting that rather than 'Your Party' it had turned out to be just his party, since he’s the only remaining member.


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