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Rishi Sunak admits robbing Peter to pay Paul

Writer: Ian Searle
Ian Searle
Aug 8

Because Paul is wealthy and more likely to vote Conservative in the long run, where as Peter is hard up, and only voted for the Tories to teach Jeremy Corbyn a lesson.


'Think of me as a sort of Reverse Robin Hood,' said the former Chancellor as he called his men to a the tavern on the leafy green, for a very agreeable Prosecco and some vol-au-vents.


He continued, 'I wish to be loved by the rich, feared by the poor, obviously not by Liz Truss, Jacob Rees Mogg and his cohort, though.'


The statement has been roundly condemned by the church, Friar Tuck, who prefers 'a good, honest pint, and a ploughman's lunch', slammed his flagon on the table clearly incandescent with rage..


'I actually hate both of them,' admitted the Sheriff of Nottingham, 'So keep me out of this.'



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First published 8 Aug 2022


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UK ready for next Village Idiot

Writer: Wrenfoe
Wrenfoe
Jun 22

As Keir Starmer prepares to resign, the nation eagerly awaits the next numbskull to be outsmarted by a stapler. Said one voter, ‘It’s like waiting for Christmas, where all your parcels conceal a shiny turd. Will be it be Wes Streeting, will it be Andy Burnham, who knows, who cares, whoever it is will be will treat the welfare of the nation like optional side quests.’


The new PM will need to harness Starmer’s electrifying energy of a man trying to push a pull door for three full minutes. ‘We needed bold ideas, so no doubt we’ll get someone who is confused by their own reflection, thinks salad goes in the microwave and acts like Benjamin Netanyahu is a kindly old man.


‘The UK expects the new incumbent to have the strategic foresight of a dropped croissant. The reliability, of someone who loses their keys while holding them. And the calm authority of a man discovering a wasp in his shoe. So, basically, another Keir Starmer.



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