Dulwich woman finds the a*se of Jesus in a packet of Monster Munch

A woman claims she was eating a packet of beef flavoured Monster Munch, when she found one in the shape of Jesus’ a*se.

Penny Fustercluck, an unemployed motivational speaker from Dulwich said, 'I was watching Loose Women and eating some Monster Munch, when I found one in the exact shape of Jesus’ a*se. I couldn’t believe it! It was such a spiritual experience. I know you’re going to say it could have been anyone’s a*se - but I could tell straight away it was the a*se of Jesus. Who else but the Son of God could have sent me such an important sign?'

When asked if she could show us the a*se shaped Monster Munch, she replied, 'Well, no – I ate it, obviously. This is beef flavoured Monster Munch we’re talking about, they’re delicious, I couldn’t just not eat it.'

Ms Fustercluck says the experience has totally changed her outlook on life. 'That a*se shaped Monster Munch sent me a powerful message. And that message was – I should get off my a*se, and stop eating Monster Munch all day.

'In future, my life is going to be totally different, and that starts right now. I’m going to get off my a*se, and go to the shop to buy some Frazzles.'

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Miracle declared as face of Jesus appears in painting of Jesus

A woman from Newcastle-under-Lyme has spotted the face of Jesus in a painting of Jesus. Christine Spooner, a 61-year-old chorister from the Stoke-on-Trent area was dusting her Jesus shelf in the 'other' sitting room of her terraced house nobody is allowed to use unless the Queen visits, when she noticed what looked for all the world like the face of Jesus. 'I immediately took a photo of it, and posted it on Twitter. Within the hour, 4,000 people had agreed that it definitely looked like our saviour. It's a miracle! I feel so blessed that it is me who he has chosen to appear to.'

In an unrelated incident the same day, Jesus has been accused of wearing brownface at a party in Nazareth. Jeremy Spooner, 61, a tone deaf vicar from Newcastle-under-Lyme noticed that a stained glass representation of Jesus had him looking 'somewhat swarthy'. The Laughably Reverend Spooner explained, 'I happened to glance up at the window, and there he was, not looking as white as he ought to. I contacted the world's leading authority on such matters, the grumbling page of the Daily Mail online, and within the hour 4,000 people had agreed that our saviour should not have been wearing brownface at that important meeting he was attending with his disciples where absolutely no water was turned into wine.'

If you have recently witnessed a miracle, please contact the Manchester United gift shop.

Image: GDJ | Pixabay

Jesus angry that his chocolate egg much smaller than the box

Rising again on Easter Day, the Lord complained: ‘What the f$ck is this? I don’t mind that the chocolate industry has completely hijacked the festival of my resurrection, but they are completely taking the piss with the ratio of box to egg. I was expecting something the size of my head, instead I’ve got a bigger disappointment than when I got a ‘friends forever’ tattoo with Judas. Imagine if I pulled this $hit with loaves and fishes – ‘Sorry, Galilee, all I’ve got is half a pilchard’.