POTUS to Pope(US)

Following his statement regarding the death of Pope Francis, Donald Trump has thrown his baseball cap into the ring in an attempt to be elected the new Pope.

'I have plans - great plans – they're the best plans really. I have the best plans. I wanna make Christianity great again' The orange President explained 'Jesus did great but he could've done better. He should've tried harder. I'm gonna do it properly. First of all, Catholics is a huge religion. It's huge – massive. Did you know that? Did you know? I didn't know that. Well I did but I didn't. The Vatican City should be the Vatican State! So my first order of business – and I've already pre-empted my election success and signed the executive order to make it happen – it's gonna happen. Is to make the Vatican City, the Vatican State! Specifically the 52nd State of America, following Canada as 51.

And then I'm going to speak with the Italian Prime Minister Ms Melony – a great lady. Isn't she great? A great leader, and a great fruit. If you eat fruit, which I do not. Unless it's on Pizza. Apparently if you eat too much they can really loosen your bowels – did you know that? Yeah, apparently too much fruit – I don't eat fruit but apparently that's what they say. That's what they say.

So I'll speak to Ms Melons about expanding the Vatican State to include all of Italy. I'm sure we can come to an arrangement – she won't say no – she loves me.'

The President continued for some time, listing how he intends to 'Make Christianity great again' and listing his qualifications for the job of Pope.

'I'm very good at waving to people from the balcony and wearing hats. I also live in a large white building – I'm the most experienced person on the planet for this job. If I were a betting man – which I am, I'd totally bet on myself. Which I have. The whole of the US economy. I also have one up on Jesus because I'm already onto my second coming – I'm totally perfect to be the new boss of all the Catholics! So come on, release your beautiful white plumes of smoke and rejoice! A vote for me is a vote for Donald Jesus Trump!'

Image: GregReese - Pixabay

At least the Pope got to meet J.D.Vance

While the death of Pope Francis is sad, many worshippers took comfort that near the end, he was close to the one true God - J.D.Vance. There are Vice Presidents and there are Vice Presidents, but only Vance is a walking miracle - how else can you explain Trump's election?

88 years old is far too old to get, without meeting J.D.. The Papal Make a Wish Foundation is normally inundated with dying Cardinals who want to meet Vance. However Francis had his prayers answered and thank goodness he did not waste them on a dying kid or some other such nonsense.

The Pope's dying words were: 'Jesus only got a resurrection at Easter, but I got to meet J.D.

'J.C. is such a loser, J.D. rocks!'

Image: WixAI

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Oliver Heard (34) was insistent that he had completed the one task in had been trusted to do.

His family were initially sceptical given his past failures, but his wife said she was willing to give the marriage one last go, provided he had done what he promised. To which Oliver replied: 'I absolutely have. Now I just need to pop out the front for something completely not connected. Not the bins! I saw, a dog. Yes, a dog. He was chasing a squirrel. And, well, that needs checking on. How do I know whose dog it is? Was obviously he's not not there now. So, don't go spying on me. I'll be back in five minutes, once I've put the dog out.'

There was some confusion given that bin collection fell across the Easter Weekend and whether Jesus would have approved of recycling, on the day he himself was recycled. Biblically speaking there is a fine line between tribute and just taking the piss. When the topic was of Easter was raised with Oliver, sweat beads and a panicked look broke out on his face. 'What do you mean the bin days have changed?!?'

image from pixabay