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£22bn blackhole caused by your Nan using the big light



Alexei Sayle once said: 'Austerity is the idea that the global financial crash of 2008 was caused by there being too many libraries in Wolverhampton.' Well, in 2024, Keir Starmer believes that the UK's deficit is primarily down to nurses and teachers being paid too much. His tight fiscal restraints mean his £3bn a year to Ukraine will be paid for by all of us using thrift stores and making our own candles.


Oddly enough, tax dodging corporations and frivolous forever-wars are not a drain on the public purse, but your Nan making herself a hot water bottle, is. A Treasury aide said: 'We believe in trickle down corruption. All of those evil CEOs will eventually need to buy new socks, and the money from that can fund the NHS.'


'So please, cut back on non-essentials, like food. We could easily end the two-child benefit cap, if everyone learnt to cut their own hair and share bath water. Don't forget a Nan isn't just for Christmas, she is for all year round. Although, once we cut the winter fuel payments, she won't get to Christmas.'



PM announces plan to take UK into a 'Retro-EU'

It has emerged that the Labour Govt have purchased a second-hand decommissioned seventies version of the EU, complete with a full set of early treaty documents, black plastic folders to carry papers around, and matching brown PVC desk and chair sets in the Continental style of the time.


The relics were spotted by a junior UK diplomat, in a Paris flea market, while he was off duty. He reported the finding to his superiors, who saw an opportunity to reset relations with Europe after 14 years of Conservative rule. Recent attempts to negotiate with the EU have become bogged down in details over the divergence of the UK from EU norms since Brexit.


"The current domination of the EU parliament by right-wing groups has proved a sticking point in re-establishing relations as fully as we would have liked" said a govt spokesman in a wide-collared brown suit with matching wide brown tie. "The original EU was perceived as much more left-wing" he continued, "and despite the Commissioners assuring us that the recent election of huge numbers of right-wing MEPs, can have no effect on actual policies, it is still a problem in terms of optics"


Upon joining "EU 1.0", the UK will not be bound by modern EU rules and laws, and it will be able to claim to be in a trading block, although it will be a block of one. When questioned about rumours that the govt will try to get Iceland to join by offering them unfettered use of UK fishing grounds, the spokesman described this line of enquiry as "a fishing trip"




Starmer defo has free tickets to Oasis

While middle-age cokesters complain about ticket touts, Britain's least favourite Keir has wrangled comps and a backstage pass to Noel's sulky boudoir. However 'Freebie Keith', as he is known, is keeping a low profile, for fear of the public backlash and having to pay for them himself.


The reunion gig has kickstarted a wave of nostalgia, for a simpler time of no GPS, MCU and plenty cheap whizz. 90s BritPop represents a high point in British culture and a low point in musical history. Starmer is said to be a massive fan of any band that promises so much and delivers so little. He particularly identifies with the Gallagher's ability to be popular yet despised at the same time. He knows what it is like to be a self-loathing tribute act, with no discernible skills, other than a hatred of the poor people that got you there.


Getting tickets proved no more difficult than getting an aide to pick up the phone and promise Oasis £3bn in NHS contracts and a Ministerial post. The PM is hoping to blend in with the crowd in his three-piece neon tracksuit, but as one music journalist commented: 'If he wanted to go unnoticed, he should just dress up as one of his policies.'




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