Andy Burnham explains why he hates being Mayor

Andy Burnham resigned in 2017 as MP for Leigh, a constituency of 77,000, in order to be elected as Mayor of Manchester.  His reasons were a) that he hated being an opposition MP where he couldn’t do anything b) I’m bigger than this, and c) the constituency was going to be abolished, which it duly was, in 2024.  Good call, Andy.

Andy was elected Mayor of Manchester in 2017, and re-elected in 2021, and elected for a third time in May 2024, shortly before the General Election that year.  He said that he could ‘get more done’ as a mayor than he could as an MP in Westminster, and that representing 2.1m people was loads better than representing a measly 77,000.

An insider told us, ‘Yeah, Andy didn’t reckon Keir had a chance at the General Election – all that guff about change, but no actual policies - so the mayor’s job was a safe haven.  He knew the patch, most people liked him and didn’t hassle him, and the money was good.  And it was fun to snipe at Keir and the PLP.’

Fast-forward to January 2026, and Andy seems to have decided that he could get more done as a Westminster MP than he could as Mayor of Manchester.  Insiders say that he’s become very tired of negotiating the fault lines between supporters of City and United, and that his inbox was overloaded given the size of his constituency.  Also, being a mayor is a dead end job – not much chance of promotion.  And after eight and a half years he’s done all he’s going to do.

Andy is pitching to be MP for Gorton and Denton because a) that he hated being in a job where he could do anything b) I’m bigger than this, and c) the constituency is a very safe Labour seat with a majority of over 13,000.  Good call, Andy.

An insider told us, ‘Yeah, Andy didn’t reckon Keir had a chance at staying on as PM – all that guff about difficult decisions, all those U-turns, all that embarrassing arse licking with Trump.  Andy’s heart wasn’t really in the mayor’s job any more – no prospects at all.  So, he wants to go back to Westminister, representing 74,000 people this time, because he knows the patch, most people liked him and didn’t hassle him, and the money is good.  Especially if you can get a ministerial post.  And there’s the expenses.  And the second homes.  And so on.  And it’ll still be fun to snipe at Keir and the PLP, and wind everyone up about a leadership election.  Happy days.’

Postscript: Seems like the PLP didn’t get the memo. Never mind Andy. Maybe representing 2.1 million Mancunians is better after all? No point in wasting a safe seat on you. You can show your mettle in 2029 by winning a really difficult seat.  Maybe Clacton?

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Keir Starmer decides best way to distinguish Labour from the Tories is to recruit their defecting MP

WESTMINSTER, LONDON – The leader of the Labour Party, Sir Keir Starmer, dramatically announced this afternoon that he believes the foremost way to differentiate his party from the Conservatives is by welcoming their MPs to his benches with open arms.

“What finer way can there be to prove we are an entirely different beast to the government, than by accepting their ex-MPs as our own without a second thought?” asked Starmer, foolishly using up one of his six enquiries at Prime Minister’s Questions.

“The Labour Party would lead the country in an unrecognisable fashion from Boris Johnson’s rabble, as you can clearly see from our poaching of someone who voted for all his policies.”

Starmer’s revelation came as Christian Wakeford, MP for Bury South, dramatically crossed the floor of the House of Commons to join his new colleagues in the opposition ranks, sewing discomfort and awkwardness as he settled in with his union jack facemask.

“This is far easier than electing candidates of our own,” opined the Leader of the Opposition.

Prime Minister Johnson seemed unruffled by Wakeford’s departure, merely vowing to “bury the Honourable Member, and send his career south. Chortle, chortle. Good one, Boris. That should keep the plebs off my back for a bit.”

Starmer continued, “I would also like to take this opportunity to extend an olive branch across the aisle to all other political turncoats. There is nothing we in the Labour Party value more than a hearty round of infighting, followed by an evening of treachery and backstabbing. Welcome aboard Judas – I mean, Christian. You’ll fit right in.”

“These politicians, mate. They’re all the same – can’t trust any of them,” observed a man on the street.

At press time, Angela Rayner was being restrained by the entire shadow cabinet after threatening to “deck” the “Tory scum” now sitting directly behind her.

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First published 21 Jan 2022

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Keir Starmer, my friends, keeps blowing in the wind