UK signs 100 year treaty with no concept of time

An excited Prime Minister explained that 100 was more than 1 and that a year was definitely longer than a second, but other than that he did not have a clue and was loving it! An aide said: 'This is fantastic, we'll be tied to the Ukraine for 100 years - what could possibly go wrong? It's not as if we were in a treaty with Russia only 80 years ago.

'We are absolutely convinced Ukraine and the UK will be exactly the same in a century. After all, its not as if AI or climate change exists. We are happy to make a long term commitment - which will out last our marriages, our teeth and life on Earth.'

The Ukraine was equally as pleased: 'We have been told that Keir Starmer is renowned for keeping his promises, so we have nothing to worry about.'

Image: WixAI

Keir Starmer rebuts 'sprout eater' jibe

The Prime Minister has issued a comprehensive rebuttal after an American billionaire and social media tech geek called him a 'sprout eater'.

The jibe, originally posted on the billionaire’s social media platform, went viral. Newspapers around the world put the accusation on their front pages, and media outlets sought out vegetable experts for comment. The Prime Minister found himself unable to discuss any current issues or government policies because the media only wanted to ask him about sprouts.

The Prime Minister has today issued a thorough rebuttal. He upholds the nutritional value of sprouts and other brassicas. He confirms that he and his family eat a wide range of seasonal vegetables, in line with NHS guidance, including some sprouts at Christmas.

The PM rejected 'an impoverished vision of the world in which political leaders are ranked according to their food preferences'. But he did admit that the Daily Star’s lettuce-based criticism of Liz Truss was fair game and good fun.

The PM stoutly defended British sprout growers, British sprout exports, British greengrocers and all other sprouts retailers. He reminded everyone that Britain’s best experts continued to work hard to bring new and exciting breeds of sprout to world markets.

He concluded by saying that Britain was a proud democracy in which everyone could choose whether or not to eat sprouts, without harassment or embarrassment. And he said that sprouts represented an inclusive vision of a healthy and tolerant British society, ready to accept diversity and to turn away from division.

In the meantime, the billionaire antagonist has moved on, and is now calling the PM a cabbage brained pea-wit. If this latest insult also gains traction, then Keir Starmer is expected to issue a new rebuttal in ten to fifteen days.

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Wicked Tories have stolen the economic growth lever, claim Labour

"We always said the Tories were vile and callous," said the Labour Party's chief economic strategist, "but we never thought they would stoop this low.

"When Rachel Reeves and I were together at the London Playschool of Economics, the classroom assistants would tell us tales of an economic growth lever which stood in the enchanted garden behind Number 11, Downing Street.

"They said that anyone who pulled it during a recession, and tapped their heels together thrice, could start a boom which would make every business in the UK a world-beater, and every citizen as rich a wealthy and contented homeowner.

"Imagine our horror! Once we'd freed the land of 14 years of Tory rule and entered the chancellor's residence, we poked around in the shrubbery but could find no trace of it.

"We can only imagine that the evil Conservatives have squirrelled away the growth lever in their lair in Matthew Parker Street. Even worse, they never pulled the growth lever themselves - undoubtedly because they've always wanted the UK to be poor and bankrupt.

"Rachel told her fellow elves in cabinet that she would be confronting the Tories with their rotten deeds in the Commons. However, Prime Goblin Starmer told her she needed to keep really quiet about magic levers and enchanted gardens in public, for fear it would make Labour look even dafter than it did already."

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