"Storms Bert and Darragh have been harrowing events," said a visibly anxious spokesman for the Met Office.
"Many of you took them rather lightly and drove your cars or went sailing in the high winds. That might be because of the silly names we gave them.
"However, no one should underestimate the horrendous impact that the next big weather event is likely to have.
"We warn everyone in the UK to stock up on good books and gin so they can endure 'Dull Day Keir'.
"We forecast it will be the most dreary, dismal, slate-grey weather on record since the Major administration.
"The Met Office has put in place an alert system ìn which a cuckoo that you never knew was in there emerges from a clock in your home once every hour, setting 'milestones' and 'foundation stones' for a little less drizzle later on.
"Needless to say, the cuckoo will be lying, but only to take your mind off the unremitting gloom of living through these twenty-four hours.
"We have already warned NHS hospital trusts to free up beds in intensive care wards to treat a surge of people who have chewed their arms off to try and alleviate the appalling tedium of the day.
"To try and get through Dull Day Keir, please remember this slogan: 'Stay Home, Stay Safe, Kick yourselves hard for voting someone this unutterably boring into power'.
"Good luck, everyone."
