"We came into government intending to clear out all the muck the Tories left in the stables, and really try and help the British people," a tired and emotional Labour Party spokesman told journalists, gripping the Downing Street lectern tightly as he swayed from side to side.
"But it turned out we were spreading muck around at quite a rate ourselves. And besides, all you ungrateful slugs in the electorate kept griping about the government, whether it meant you well or not.
"This left us thinking: Why should we try so hard to be wholesome when we could spend the next five years giving zero tosses about the state of the UK and having huge fun at your expense?
"That's why the Prime Minister is taking this opportunity of replacing the highly competent, if slightly avaricious, Sue Gray as his chief of staff with the utterly incompetent, and highly avaricious, Boris Johnston.
"Boris will do invaluable work by telling us the names of every British millionaire with a weird tendency to gift money to politicians. He'll also be advising which central London off-licences do the best bulk deals on Tokay for wine-time Fridays, and he'll give us tips on how to spend months on end explaining away depraved, night-long, drinking-and-governing sessions in Downing Street.
"We'd never have got that from Ms Gray, the dreary old kill-joy.
"The PM wants you to know that from now on, it'll be wine-time all the time at Number 10," continued the spokes-sot, pulling a bottle of Amontillado from the Downing Street 'Partygate' shopping trolley at his feet and uncorking it with his teeth.
"I mean, why not? Britain's so messed up there's probably no saving it and besides, there's sweet sod all you can do to stop us.
"Your very ill health!" slurred the spokes-lush, taking a long swig from his bottle and collapsing in the gutter.
Following the news that Boris was returning the government, sterling fell 100% against the dollar. No one in the Prime Minister's office was sober enough for comment.
Image: Photo by Jannes Van den wouwer on Unsplash
