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Jobs for the autumn, with Keir "Digwell" Starmer



The summer fun is over and it's time to create that funereal mood that lets people know Labour's in charge of their lives, so:


1) Create a huge black hole. Root around your potting shed and pull out some incomplete Treasury accounts from before the election. Compare these with the completed Treasury accounts and spot a £22bn discrepancy between the two. Call this a "Tory black hole".


2) Cut out the deadwood. Take away winter fuel allowances from all but the very poorest pensioners. Deaths amongst pensioners will doubtless rise over the coming months. Dispose of these in the "black hole" you created earlier. Cover over by heaping more blame on the Conservatives.


3) Shovel nutrients onto the striking train divers and junior doctors. After all, you will need the junior doctors to write out the death certificates for all the deceased pensioners. And if anyone else with a trade union ever feels like striking in the future, be sure and pile nutrients on them, as well.


4) Sod the lot of them. If anyone complains about your more-heartless-than-the-Tories policies - sod them! You have a monumental parliamentary majority and you could turn the entire garden into a dictatorship if you really wanted to. Well, it sort of is one already.



Larry the Cat Said to Oppose New Downing Street Kitten



Reports that Prime Minister Keir Starmer is bringing a new kitten into 10 Downing Street are not sitting well with lifelong resident Larry the Cat. A cat close to Larry, who requested anonymity to discuss the sensitive matter, said Larry fears that ‘there are simply not enough mice to go around for two cats in No 10.’ The source said that ‘Larry is disappointed that Sir Keir did not even bother to consult him before deciding to bring in the kitten.’


Sources with the Prime Minister’s office dispute this assertion, stating that the kitten’s acquisition ‘followed all applicable feline procurement recommendations contained in the Garfield report.’ That report was issued in the wake of former Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s ill-starred attempts to hire the irascible animated orange cat as a government press representative.


Nevertheless, according to the cat who requested anonymity, ‘Larry really misses Boris; he left empty pizza boxes strewn all over the place, which drew lots of tasty vermin.’ The source hastened to add that Larry was referring to mice and rats, not Dominic Cummings.


Controversially, according to the source, Larry’s hostility to kittens appears to range beyond simple competition for food. ‘Larry believes that kittens are little criminals who will chew up anything not covered in plastic,’ the source said. A representative of the British Kitten Society rejected this claim, characterizing Larry as ‘nothing more than an old cat meowing at clouds.’


Starmer’s new kitten did not return calls and texts seeking comment.




Starmer quickest PM to become grey haired old bastard




Usually it takes a full four years for a PM to look like a harbinger of death and Saga Holidays. However Starmer has gone full evil early on. Even John Major took a whole term to become that grey, and that was mainly caused by seeing Edwina Curry naked.


Margaret Thatcher lost body mass but gained a half metre of additional back-combed helmet. Tony Blair took decades to become an endgame Lich from Dungeons & Dragons. Johnson slowly morphed into a hairstack. Although, to be fair, Liz Truss did become a lettuce overnight.


Just because he looks 80, Starmer will not be eligible for the pensioner's winter fuel allowance. Although, ironically, no one else will either.



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