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Truss dumped Kwarteng with “It’s not you, it’s me” text message



KK - hey how you doing - get the friends reference Liz?


LT - yes Kwasi but not doing well hun


KK - what’s up hun


LT - you know you're my BAE? But it’s not you it’s me - I’m don’t know how to say this


KK - What


LT - I’m going to have to get a new Money man


KK - what do you mean


LT - It’s over Kwasi, can you give back the keys to number 11


KK - Please Liz, please don’t dump me - I’ve only just got back from New York to be specially by your side, I didn’t get a chance to do any Christmas shopping, visit the Friends building, hell I didn’t even get a chance to meet Tom Cruise at the IMF thingy you sent me to. All I got was boring economic talk. Please give me another chance. Pretty Pretty PLEASE.


LT - sorry it’s you or me, and this time it’s you and I’m seeing Jeremy now.


KK - Noooooooooooo



Police "prepared" for bottles of p*ss being thrown at PMQ's



Police say they will punish "to the full extent of the law" any Members of Parliament who hurl any urine filled objects at Liz Truss during her first PMQ's appearance after the week of turmoil.


After Kwarteng was hit by several coins thrown from the press area as he left Downing Street following his sacking last week, there have been strong rumours that there is an active plan to bombard the Prime minister with crisp packets, plastic bottles or other make-shift objects filled with piss, in the style made famous by large Rock festivals.


Ms. Truss's team said she was confident that behaviour would remain "at the standard expected by members of the House of Commons" which by general admission, didn't really change anything. However, she has decided purely by choice to wear a new fashionable North Face Any Weather Arctic Protection raincoat to PMQ's this week, just 'for comfort' instead of the usual business attire.


Mr Kwarteng, meanwhile, commented that the coins which hit him as he left number 10 last week - arriving in a barrage with the expected choruses of derogatory chants about "You've got no Tax, now you've got no job!" from the rowdy press pack - were shown to be low value currency overall, but he scooped them up anyway to put in the "government spending plan" piggy bank they had inside which now had more than a tenner in it in total.



Government inspire BBC to revive 'Game for a Laugh'



The BBC has announced plans for a new series of Game For A Laugh focused exclusively on the running of the Conservative Government.


There is suspicion filming may already have been running for some time, with rumour abound that Peter Beadle, the late host Jeremy's son, will in fact interrupt Liz Truss's speech today to let her know that her appointment as Prime Minister was only done at the request of her husband, who wanted her out of the house a bit more and thought it might be quite funny to install her as the country's most powerful person.


Primed to deliver the famous question to the PM, "are you game for a laugh?", Ms Truss is also unaware that Kwasi Kwarteng in fact is not the Cambridge educated economist and friend she has known for 20 years, but in fact his twin brother, Kevin, who was a full-time chef from Beckingham until the BBC had him installed as chancellor. Mr Kwarteng intends to walk out with Mr Beadle as he apparently 'can't wait' to see Ms Truss burst out laughing when she finds out.


"I'm looking forward to getting back to cooking again" enthused Mr Kwarteng, "I've found all these numbers a bit of a mystery to be honest. But then again, if you'd been unfortunate enough to be eating down the Beckingham Grand Hotel in the last six weeks, you'd have had Kwasi's cooking, and I think what I've done to the country pales into insignificance compared to that."



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