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Police say they will punish "to the full extent of the law" any Members of Parliament who hurl any urine filled objects at Liz Truss during her first PMQ's appearance after the week of turmoil.


After Kwarteng was hit by several coins thrown from the press area as he left Downing Street following his sacking last week, there have been strong rumours that there is an active plan to bombard the Prime minister with crisp packets, plastic bottles or other make-shift objects filled with piss, in the style made famous by large Rock festivals.


Ms. Truss's team said she was confident that behaviour would remain "at the standard expected by members of the House of Commons" which by general admission, didn't really change anything. However, she has decided purely by choice to wear a new fashionable North Face Any Weather Arctic Protection raincoat to PMQ's this week, just 'for comfort' instead of the usual business attire.


Mr Kwarteng, meanwhile, commented that the coins which hit him as he left number 10 last week - arriving in a barrage with the expected choruses of derogatory chants about "You've got no Tax, now you've got no job!" from the rowdy press pack - were shown to be low value currency overall, but he scooped them up anyway to put in the "government spending plan" piggy bank they had inside which now had more than a tenner in it in total.




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The BBC has announced plans for a new series of Game For A Laugh focused exclusively on the running of the Conservative Government.


There is suspicion filming may already have been running for some time, with rumour abound that Peter Beadle, the late host Jeremy's son, will in fact interrupt Liz Truss's speech today to let her know that her appointment as Prime Minister was only done at the request of her husband, who wanted her out of the house a bit more and thought it might be quite funny to install her as the country's most powerful person.


Primed to deliver the famous question to the PM, "are you game for a laugh?", Ms Truss is also unaware that Kwasi Kwarteng in fact is not the Cambridge educated economist and friend she has known for 20 years, but in fact his twin brother, Kevin, who was a full-time chef from Beckingham until the BBC had him installed as chancellor. Mr Kwarteng intends to walk out with Mr Beadle as he apparently 'can't wait' to see Ms Truss burst out laughing when she finds out.


"I'm looking forward to getting back to cooking again" enthused Mr Kwarteng, "I've found all these numbers a bit of a mystery to be honest. But then again, if you'd been unfortunate enough to be eating down the Beckingham Grand Hotel in the last six weeks, you'd have had Kwasi's cooking, and I think what I've done to the country pales into insignificance compared to that."




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'Politicians famously make lots of money from the after-dinner speaker circuit,' said a promoter today, 'so when one of them loses their job I usually phone around to see if anyone wants them to speak - drop in a few tasty gossip notes with their anecdotes,' said Barry, a promotor, today. 'So, when I saw that Kwarteng had been asked to be sacked or told to stand aside - you choose - I thought "here's an opportunity" and started to make calls. It became obvious that nobody was interested,' he added.


'Turns out, last time he stood up to speak for fifteen minutes it cost £60 billion. Nobody can afford to book him for an hour,' he said.



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