Chancellor of the Exchequer, and proud owner of a Casio calculator watch, Rachel Reeves, has announced that to save the NHS money, nurses salaries could be made up with tips from satisfied patients.
"We do it for hairdressers, waiters and taxi drivers, so why not NHS staff?" she is alleged to have said after her third glass of sherry, at 9am on Boxing Day. "It could save us £20 billion a year in salaries, allowing us to spend more money on hospitals, schools, public transport, and biscuits."
"Patients could tip nurses for the services they provide. For example, we recommend a couple of quid for giving out medication, a fiver for helping patients to the toilet, and a tenner for a sponge bath. A nurse's earnings could exceed £50000 a year, if they find themselves on the right ward."
A spokesman for the government has assured us that this is not official government policy, nurses will not have to buy their own uniforms from Ann Summers, and that Ms Reeves had only had a few hours' sleep and had eaten just three Quality Streets and a Celebration for breakfast that day.
