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Tories Labour Conference hack goes unnoticed

Tory computer nerds thought they had scored a major PR victory over Labour when they hacked the geolocation service ‘What Three Words’. Unfortunately, no-one noticed.

The correct What Three Words location for the Liverpool conference centre is square.jacked.slammed, which is already slightly amusing. The Tory hackers were able to change the descriptors regularly throughout the Labour conference. On the first day, the location was given as last.chance.saloon, which was later amended to starmer.online.healthcare. Other versions included liar.opportunist.grifter, during Keir’s keynote speech, and tax.rises.imminent and your.pension.screwed during Rachel Reeves’ address. The conference closed on overpromise.underdeliver.disappointment.

The nerds failed to convince any journalists that the stunt was worth reporting, so their efforts were both vain and in vain. One veteran reporter said that it was hardly in Ed Davey’s league when it came to stunts.

A spokesman for the Labour Party said that once delegates and journalists had arrived at the conference, they wouldn’t need to use What Three Words to find out where it was. Although she did concede that some delegates might have worried that they were in the wrong place.

Hat tip to deskpilot

Image credit: perchance.org

Betfred holds 7,500 hostages over tax freedom demands

Betfred are willing to dispose of thousands of innocent employees if the government fails to drop their massive, unrealistic, excessive tax on their massive, unrealistic, excessive profits.

The terrorist leader, billionaire owner Fred, made demands on a news broadcast, saying they would have to get rid of the 7,500 hostages if the government implements their proposed gambling tax. 'We will 'retire' a hostage, every hour, on the hour, until our requirements are met. Once the guarantees are confirmed, I will leave. No, I don’t need a helicopter, I’ve already got one.

'We just want a free betting environment,' he continued. 'We are not violent extremists, more like freespin fighters. The oppressive Labour regime is committing atrocities on our profits. If they don’t want to see bodies out on the streets, then they must give us access to our God given obscene bonuses.'

Fred, AKA Freddy the Weasel, Whiney Fred and Freddie Two-Yachts, was calling from an undisclosed location, but probably his £7.5million house in Manchester, or his Lake District mansion, or his property in the South of France.

The authorities are suspicious of a new insurance policy taken out by Fred’s brother, 'Honest' Pete, on all 1,287 Betfred shops. A source known as Lucky Argyle has heard rumours that they all are going to explode during the hostage release, and the police will spend months sifting through rubble, and by the time they figure out what went wrong, Fred and Pete be sitting on a beach, earning twenty percent. The classic Die Hard plan.

As usual, Sir Keir Starmer just wanted all the sausages to be released, unburnt.

Image credit: perchance.org