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Keir Starmer's big red ledger is naughty and nice list

A large, dark red ledger the new Prime Minister is carrying around with him contains recipes for gravy and chips. Before anything else can be done to fix Britain, the optimum output for the national dish must be agreed upon by democratic Party consensus.


The Left of the Labour Party strongly disagrees. It's not a recipe book, it's a list of self defence manoeuvres to fend off tabloid journalists. They come with step-by-step diagrams, and one of them includes the correct procedure for instant decapitation if one happens to be in possession of a large, dark red ledger.


The tabloid press are at odds with the 'Commie threat lurking within Labour'. They are convinced that it is a lever arch file of lewd scandals involving Angela Rayner. With obscene photos and 50 Shades of Grey-style descriptions which would be so rude as to be almost unprintable.


Scholars are not in concurrence, because otherwise rings would be clearly visible. Beards have been stroked, and Occam's Razor applied. It is obviously a proof for Fermat's Last Theorem, combining Schrödinger's Cat, Pavlov's Dog, and multiverse theory where a duck won the Premiership in 2016.




Labour to subcontract governance

In its first days of office, Labour have promised to solve the housing and health crisis, by getting someone else to do it. Pleading for the private sector to step in, Sir Keir Starmer explained he would be taking the next four years off as TOIL- 'just like the last government'.


Asked why then he had run a campaign with the slogan 'change', he explained that loose change was all he was willing to spend. His spokeswoman said: 'Private finance can be trusted to benevolently invest and then lovingly assest strip the NHS. And all responsibility will be delegated, to ensure plausible deniability.


'We'll be out-sourcing everything, except being insufferably smug, we've got a monopoly on that.'




14-year-old experiences strange new sensation called hope




A 14 year-old girl from Cheshire approached her mother this morning after experiencing strange new feelings she had never felt before.


Josy Hinde from Crewe told her mum, 'Since I woke up on Friday morning, I've been feeling really odd. I feel like a darkness has lifted, and the corners of my mouth sort of turned up a bit. Now and then, I catch myself humming. I'm really scared, mum. What's wrong with me?'


'Don't worry, love,' replied her mum. 'It's something called hope. No one under the age of 15 will have felt it before. But now many of you will. Some people have been going around taking everyone's hope for the future from them and saying it's impossible to do good things because it would cost too much. But it was never true. It was always possible, they just thrived off making everyone else scared and miserable like themselves. No one can explain it, but they were absolutely adamant that the children weren't our future.'


'Do I need to see a doctor?'


'Nah, you'll be fine, Jose. When the corners of your mouth turn up like that, it's called happiness. I know it feels weird at first, but it's a good thing. Speak to your friends at school about it, and you can help each other adjust.'


Photo by Barth Bailey on Unsplash



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