top of page
Search

Labour's last policy dies in captivity


ree

Having abandoned their plans to end private school charitable status, Labour insisted shooting the policy in the face was the humane thing to do. Explained one zoologist: 'Without other policies to breed with, it would've faded away or been rehomed by the Greens.'


Originally called 'promises', then 'pledges', Sir Keir finally settled for the less ambiguous 'things I tell voters to trick them'. Having abandoned more policies than Boris Johnson has wives, Sir Keir has established a reputation for unparalleled duplicity, known as the Pinocchio Effect.


Complained one voter: 'He's always been an authoritarian charlatan, with no ethics whatsoever...so, in his defence, that's one policy he's stuck to.'




Labour announces new plan to deter immigrants

'When we've won the next general election, the first thing we'll do is take steps to reduce the current, unsustainably high levels of immigration' a source close to a spokesman for the Labour party is reported to have claimed.


'By running it badly, with a combination of incompetence, corruption and by launching a succession of half-arsed, poorly implemented & under-funded government initiatives, as well as by cash-starving all its essential services, we'll make the country such a scruffy, dreary, run-down place that no-one in their right mind would ever want to come here.'


This was immediately described as yet another example of Labour promising to adopt exactly the same policies as the present Tory government.




bottom of page