Starmer: 'We cannot afford to clap for nurses'

With the threat of strike action, politicians have made it clear that nurses will not get a rise in applause or other meaningless gestures. 'If anything, nurses are overpaid in claps and should settle for a firm handshake instead.'

Starmer made it clear that he would end migrant nurses stealing our native claps. But he insisted that there were no extra claps to give, not since the last season of Mrs Brown's Boys.

Nurses using food banks, are now forced to visit zoos to search for left over claps at the seal enclosures. By contrast Premier footballers earn ten of thousands of claps everytime they walk on the pitch.

Said one nurse: 'All of my claps are second hand now. I'm surviving on a 50% reduction. It's literally the sound of one hand clapping.'

Image: Pixabay/pavstern

1922 Committee in talks with Labour Party

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Starmer forbids front bench from singing along with Wilson Pickett

Labour leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has told shadow ministers that they shouldn't join in if they hear any song by Wilson Pickett "to be on the safe side."

Former Shadow Minister, Sam Tarry, has expressed doubts about the policy; "This is taking things too far. I was listening to Ken Bruce in my office when Mustang Sally came on, which I sang along with as it brought back powerful memories of a teenage romance I'd had; I really miss that horse. Next thing I know, Keir's popped his head round the door and said 'you're fired.' I mean, I wouldn't mind so much but I later found it was a cover by the Commitments."

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