Starmer ‘listening’ tour, third on the bill after Showaddywaddy

Sir Keir has decided to tour the UK, in order to hear how people from lots of different regions ‘don’t like him very much’. Listening to the concerns of voters, will enable him to understand that regardless of demographic or political leanings, everyone thinks he is a bit of a numpty.

The tour itself is a little bit underwhelming, with Sir Keir only allowed a five-minute set ahead the main acts – a Timmy Mallett lookalike and a variety entertainer who swallows spoons. Starmer’s own 90s revival - The Blair Witch Tribute Band – only has one song, which no wants to hear.

Each performance culminates in a theatrical focus group, complete with pyrotechnics and questions such as - ‘if the Labour Party was a jelly, what flavour would it be?’. Unsurprisingly questions like ‘why am I so sh$t?’ do not illicit the sympathetic response that Sir Keir was hoping for but tend to lead to the focus group just shrugging and saying, ‘you tell me’.

The most embarrassing moment of the tour came when Keith (sic) held a focus group for members of his own family, who subsequently claimed never to have heard of him. His agent explained: ‘This tour is about Keith reconnecting with his fans, but that presupposes there was a connection in the first place’.

Tory planning system change will lead to new homes in flood zones

A radical blueprint put forward as a "once-in-a-generation reform" from the government has the aim of sweeping away "slow and complex" planning laws.

The shake-up, a central part of the prime minister's "build, build, build" agenda, includes automatic planning approval for new homes on land earmarked for growth, however low-lying. The revolution is published in a government consultation paper, Planning For The Future, pushed by Housing Secretary Robert Jenrick just weeks after he became embroiled in a planning row.

The changes come after record donations from housebuilders to Conservative Party funds. House building companies wil make up a large portion of the representatives on the planning boards. There are no plans to include climate scientists in those decisions.

A spokesman for a green campaign group said "We fear the plans will lead to new builds that have to be abandoned in just a few decades due to sea level rise. Some of the likely build zones are in extremely dangerous coastal areas, like for example Norfolk or London."

The Labour Party have said they intend to sink this bill at the earliest opportunity.

Tories arrange spy swap – Bercow for Starmer

In a tense standoff at a Berlin bridge, John Bercow was finally brought in from the cold and allowed to join the natural home of reactionaries – the Parliamentary Labour Party. In exchange, agent Keir ‘Starmer’ Keithlovich was returned to the Conservative Party, having completed his mission to destroy left wing politics.

The swap itself had many similarities to John le Carré fictionalized book ‘Stinker Starmer Dozy Spy’. Both men had been sleeper agents, with Bercow hiding his intentions for years and Starmer just sleeping through the last two.

Explained one of Starmer’s handlers: ‘Obviously we needed to make it a fair swap, after all Keithlovich was Leader of the Opposition. So, they got Bercow and we an extra one hundred million Rubles and our promise not to let Starmer near any of their by-elections again.’

A friend of Bercow said: ‘John will have to adjust from having lived in an oppressive Tory regime. Gone will be the enforced junkets, banquets and bribes. Instead. he’ll get to enjoy the true taste of left wing freedom, which is angry Twitter accounts, regional accents and people accusing you of being a Tory, with no sense of irony’.