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Tories arrange spy swap – Bercow for Starmer

Updated: Jun 21, 2022

In a tense standoff at a Berlin bridge, John Bercow was finally brought in from the cold and allowed to join the natural home of reactionaries – the Parliamentary Labour Party. In exchange, agent Keir ‘Starmer’ Keithlovich was returned to the Conservative Party, having completed his mission to destroy left wing politics.

The swap itself had many similarities to John le Carré fictionalized book ‘Stinker Starmer Dozy Spy’. Both men had been sleeper agents, with Bercow hiding his intentions for years and Starmer just sleeping through the last two.

Explained one of Starmer’s handlers: ‘Obviously we needed to make it a fair swap, after all Keithlovich was Leader of the Opposition. So, they got Bercow and we an extra one hundred million Rubles and our promise not to let Starmer near any of their by-elections again.’

A friend of Bercow said: ‘John will have to adjust from having lived in an oppressive Tory regime. Gone will be the enforced junkets, banquets and bribes. Instead. he’ll get to enjoy the true taste of left wing freedom, which is angry Twitter accounts, regional accents and people accusing you of being a Tory, with no sense of irony’.

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