Labour to blame for record low Full Moon, says Kemi

"Keir Starmer should be utterly ashamed that this month's Strawberry Moon has plummeted to the lowest point for a Full Moon since 2006," said Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch. "This is due to a 'major lunar standstill' which Labour was totally responsible for and did nothing to prevent," continued Ms Badenoch, in between wild howls at the Moon. "We Conservatives pledge that we will take the British Moon back to its rightful place in the heavens," she said, standing on a bare hillside and ranting at the sky.

"It is because of 14 years of Tory rule that the Moon has sunk to this abject level," replied Sir Keir Stargazer, "but under Labour, you will see it steadily return to its former heights. That might actually be the biggest thing we'll have to crow about, come the next election."

"With the Moon this low, there's never been a better opportunity to put doughty British astronauts on its surface," said Reform leader Nigel Fruitcake. "They could virtually jump there.

"Just call 0800-LOONYTUNES and pledge 50 bitcoins to the Reform UK Moonshot Fund to hear me talk and talk about it, c/o my closed down Coutts account."

Image: photo-graphe - Pixabay

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Free school meals for kids who volunteer for the army

Labour have unveiled their policy to tackle dwindling military recruitment, by treating the working-class like grouse. Called 'Feed the cannon fodder', the new initiative will put plump targets on the front line, which can be lured for the kill on the Glorious 12th - or any day of the year, really.

Said a Minister: 'There's no point in feeding up the little blighters, if all they are going to do is sit on the dole. They need to earn their keep, by providing bored artillery units something to aim at.'

Kids as young as 5 will be fast-tracked to the eastern front, to provide much needed relief for the current sitting ducks. For every ten free meals a school child will need to complete one tour of duty. 'There'll be no medals for the survivors but there will be pudding.'

image from pixabay

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We'll make motorbikes right-hand drive again, Tories pledge

"For years, governments have kow-towed to the barmy directives of the European Court of Justice and accepted left-hand drive motorbikes on British roads," ranted Conservative transport spokesman, Terry Speedway.

"That's not only humiliating, it's downright dangerous for road users," Speedway continued.

"We demand that from now on, good British firms like Triumph and Norton make only right-hand drive models.

"And we'll also force filthy foreign imports like Vespas and Kawasakis to be right-hand drive, as well."

"The Tories are revving up the rhetoric on this because they're running scared of Reform," said Labour's Dirk Fuel-Cap in response.

"Well, we can run even scareder. That's why we'll be forcing all mopeds, e-scooters, push bikes and pedalos to be right-hand drive, as well."

Speaking from a Build-a-Bear workshop in Shepherd's Bush, where he was constructing an Evel Knievel koala, Sir Ed Davey said: "We in the Lib Dems won't be joining this race to the bottom.

"We want neither right-hand drive or left-hand drive motorbikes, but something in the middle."

image from pixabay