Trump sues Jesus for impersonating him

'People are slating the president for making himself out to be Jesus in a picture,' said a spokes-priestess for the White House. 'But Jesus is the fraud and Donald Trump's the real deal.

'You want miracles? Donald's got miracles for you. It's a miracle he got 75 million people to vote for him. It's a miracle he's not in jail. And it's a miracle that the assassins keep missing him with their bullets.

'What's more, we can prove Donald's the real Jesus because every time he says something, people mutter 'Jesus!''

'Fake news!' said Jesus Christ, speaking from the right hand of the Father. 'I have the best miracles. And parables. I have parables like you wouldn't believe.

'But I grant you this about Donald,' continued the Saviour of Mankind. 'He's really going to get crucified in the mid-term elections.'

Image: WixAI

Trump lawsuit shuts down the BBC

Faced with a five billion dollar legal claim from Donald Trump, the BBC has closed down.  'The BBC has no assets to speak of,' said a spokesman.  'Even the test card is owned by someone else.  There's nothing left.'

Now that the BBC has closed down, Donald Trump will not be able to recover any damages, and the BBC will not defend the case. 

Viewers need not worry, however.  All of the BBC's staff will be taken on by a completely unrelated new body called BBC (2025) Limited.  The new body will take over certain assets from the old BBC, but will neither take on responsibility for that Panorama program, nor liabilities such as the Trump lawsuit.  The new BBC has promised to minimise disruption for viewers by honouring the schedules and programmes of the old BBC. The government has confirmed that BBC (2025) Limited will be able to receive funding from the licence fee.

A spokesman for the old BBC said, ‘We regret that the reckless actions of a greedy and malicious orange man-baby has killed off the BBC. Long live BBC (2025) Limited.’

image from google gemini

Talcum Powder to be rebranded as 'Best Ass Dust'

Following the recent lawsuits in USA & UK, a well-known brand of talcum powder has been withdrawn from chemists' shelves by teams in white overalls and breathing apparatus, following revelations that the product contains asbestos.

A spokesman for the un-named company didn’t want to Talc about it, but read out a carefully powdered down statement saying that it had been mis-prescribed as 'Babies Johnson Powder'and that it was meant to be sold exclusively for Boots only.

Image credit: perchance.org