God's architect wins award

Following the Pope’s announcement that Antoni Gaudí - better known as God’s architect - had been declared Venerable, the Vatican says it intends to hold annual award ceremonies declaring God’s favourites across a range of jobs and professions.

The awards will see accountants, bankers, lawyers and others vying to be God's chosen one, first in their own profession and then to go on to win the overall title of God's favourite human. The Vatican hopes that the awards will outstrip the Oscars and the Golden Globes in popularity,

The Archbishop of Milan told reporters that almost everyone that knows anything about football will already know that AC Milan were chosen many years ago by the supreme being as his favourite football team. How else would you explain that they are still going strong, despite the countless charges of bribery and corruption against them. That, without doubt, is proof of divine intervention.

Pope watchers in the Vatican have said with their experience in money laundering, having people disappeared, and their already close ties with the Vatican, it’s very hard to look past one of the big Italian banks for God’s favourite Banker. Given Jesus’s barely disguised support of the wealthy, give unto Caesar what is Caesar's, an Italian Bankers win seems nailed on.

The British press are anxious that there should be plenty of UK interest in the awards and are asking readers to put forward possible candidates for nomination, which they will pass onto to the Archbishop of Westminster. To date, some names offered by Daily Mail readers are, Enoch Powell (favourite politician), Queen Elizabeth II (God's favourite horse breeder) and Tommy Cooper (favourite comedian in a fez). Just looking at Tommy would make God crease up, said Malcolm from Berkshire.

Image by Almeida from Pixabay

Starmer increases defence spending to resurrect Clive Dunn

In a surprise announcement on Tuesday afternoon, Sir Keir Starmer announced a defence budget increase to 2.5% of GDP by 2027. Critics have argued, however, that even with this increase Britain’s armed forces are still woefully inadequate.

Sir Keir commenting on the criticism said, “I know some people have said the increase in the defence budget is not going to be enough but let me tell you, I would like to see the look on Putin’s soldiers faces when they see our armed forces coming at them armed with a sharp stick that could have someone’s eye out, a strongly worded lawyers letter, or a bold stare.”

He went on “The US might have the defence budget to create genetically modified elite soldiers, but we will have enough money to genetically resurrect Clive Dunn. Just think, if Russian armour pours into a Ukraine they will have to contend with Jones’s butcher’s van. I know which side I’d rather be on.”

image from pixabay

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Iceberg sends Captain of the Titanic 'cease and desist' letter

A former Iceberg has sent a legal "cease and desist" letter to Captain Edward John Smith demanding he stop saying it 'sank the Titanic.'

Its lawyers argue the claim made repeatedly by the seafarer is 'false and defamatory', and harmed it in its journey south from the North Pole, eventually causing it to melt.

The Captain's spokesman suggested the iceberg should also write to 'hundreds of people who lost their lives' and the millions who have had to endure that bloody song by Celine Dion.

Picture credit: Wix AI