Tories hope to tempt Stuart Hall out of retirement for It's a Knockout stage of leadership election

In the hope of renewing interest in the fortunes of a disgraced parliamentary cabal, spin doctors have advised the Tory party to add more bizzazz to the knockout stage of the leadership election process, by instead of having the traditional debate between the candidates about what they have to offer and why they should be the next party leader, the knockout should take the form of the It's a Knockout competition that bored TV viewers senseless during the 60s and 70s, but might entertain if the contestants were people seen to be getting their comeuppance for the part they played in supporting a charlatan.

Key to the success of the venture will be having it hosted by Stuart Hall, whose contageous laughter at the slapstick antics of the competitors is seen as the only reason for the programme's puzzling longevity. Stuart Hall's conviction for being a notorious kiddy fiddler was not seen as an obstacle by any of the MPs we spoke to, some of whom appeared surprised that anyone would find kiddy fiddling offensive.

Not all is lost for Boris

A caretaker function for Boris is not the right description as ours has to fix things, as part of his job.

Still not all is lost. After the catering lady left her position it's understood Boris managed to find the manual for the Teasmade. He remarked, ‘I have a whiteboard for the list of names for sugar and milk, which can be rewritten at short notice. AND the missus can bake delicious scones (or scons), whatever.’

story by: syntaxerror01

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Shock as Sue Ellen Ewing makes a bid for the keys to No.10

The fallout from Britain's political car crash is being discussed across the globe, and in the light of a shock new development, nowhere more keenly than around the windswept alfresco dining table at Southfork Ranch in Texas.

In a sensational move, Sue Ellen Ewing has told reporters she will be throwing her 10-gallon Stetson into the ring and is confident of garnering enough support among parliamentary party. "In fact, more than enough" to win her the keys to No.10 in the forthcoming Tory leadership election.

Speaking as she left the weekly Oil Baron's Ball she said: 'Why, shucks. This ole race is already run and won. Put your shirts and Kalvin Kleins on me boys.'

And it just might come to pass, because on hearing the news, online bookmaker Paddy Power, has now installed the 60s something glamour gal as front-runner.

However, some members of the party are arguing as she is not currently an MP she can't enter the race. But the men in suits, who meet Monday, are believed by many to be contemplating a sensational snap rule change that will allow Sue Ellen to run.

Meanwhile Mrs Ewing's estranged husband, the Machiavellian JR, poured cold water on the idea. 'Now just you tell me this, boy. How in the heck can she do that? She's a drunk, a tramp and an unfit mother. That's what my Daddy said 'fore he died.'

On hearing Mr Ewing's remarks, one unnamed backbencher commented: 'Gosh, actually, you know with a CV like that, I'd say she'd fit right in.'