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Tory charm offensive '50% successful' claims spokesman



'We've been working on a long-game strategy, building a charm offensive,' said a Conservative spokesman today.  'Lee Anderson, obviously was our secret weapon,' he said to surprised journalists.  'Everyone agrees he's a weapon, so that's halfway there,' he added.  'Victoria Atkins, obviously is a new secret weapon, replacing a long Conservative tradition of fielding weapons as Health Secretary.  We think Gillian Keegan has demonstrated enough natural weaponry to justify being seconded to the MoD for weapon trials,' he crowed.


'So, our charm offensive is well on the way to 50% success,' he said.  'Practically everyone considers us offensive, we've just got to try and work out how to bring charm to the table,' he added.


Image: Newsbiscuit

‘I’ve caught worse diseases in Skegness’ insists Anderson



Conservative Party deputy chairman Lee Anderson has condemned asylum seekers for leaving the barge used to house them in Dorset saying he had caught worse diseases than legionella while holidaying in Skegness.

The migrants were evacuated on Friday afternoon after just a few hours on board the vessel when health officials found traces of the deadly disease in the water supply.


However, the controversial MP was not impressed.


Anderson insisted that if you used hotels or B&B in the Skegness area when he was a kid it meant you were almost certain to come away with some life threatening disease or debilitating respiratory condition.


‘Sure we got sick…but we just got on with it’ said the MP for Ashfield in Nottinghamshire ‘our parents would give us 50p for the day and we would go off and have fish and chips, a ride on the donkey, a candy floss, toffee apples, a ride on the helter-skelter, buy a bucket and spade and still have money left over for the penny arcade. We didn’t moan about infectious diseases or deadly bacteria ruining our holiday.


If all you suffered from was dry coughs, confusion, diarrhoea and a week in hospital then you’d had a good holiday’.


Anderson also said the asylum seekers should be grateful the condition was only a namby-pamby French sounding disease found in water supplies and not one of the really hard bastard killer diseases we have thriving everywhere here in England.


‘If they don’t want to catch legionella here in England then they should ‘f**k off back to France….it clearly sounds French so they probably brought it with them anyway’.




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