Govt scraps HS2 North, promises to fill one pothole just outside Leeds

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Elderly ladies saddened by Burning Nan festival cancellation

'I was looking forward to taking psychotropic drugs, dancing topless then ending it all on a huge conflagration' said Jean Smythe, 81 of Honiton, speaking from a sodden bonfire somewhere in the Nevada Desert. 'Now I wish I had spent the money on purple knitting wool, half an ounce of skunk and a ticket to Zurich.'

Mrs Smythe is one of the hundreds of disappointed Grandmothers who wanted to end it all in a blaze of suicidal glory in the desert at Burning Nan. Many of them are of the generation who attended the first Woodstock or Isle of Wight and older, and some are accompanied by devoted grandchildren.

Jerry Smithers, a first timer at BN said, 'I told my nan she'd get to see and possibly sleep with Brian Poole of Tremeloes fame if she attended, without explaining in detail what the climax of the festival would entail. She was disappointed but put a brave face on it, as that generation always does.

'But I'm gutted as not only have I missed out on inheriting a bungalow near Herne Bay and a Hillman Minx 2 door coupe in drivable condition, I also have to pay for the old girl's return ticket.'

It's thought hundreds if not thousands of nans will go unburnt in Nevada, and US President Joe Biden has been urged to send Mrs Biden to the region as soon as she has finished her jigsaw. Meanwhile, leading Republicans have labelled the refugee grandmas as 'thieves, pimps and murderers.'

Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash

FIFA strongly condemns Leeds' sacking of Bielsa

Following calls for decisive action, the international governing body of world football has expressed its disapproval of Leeds United’s decision to dismiss their manager Marcelo Bielsa in the strongest possible terms. In a powerful statement designed to strike fear into the owners, FIFA have threatened to ban the use of LUFC flags and the singing of their anthem ‘Marching On Together’ in the Elland Road stadium.

In a wide-ranging series of accompanying world-shattering announcements that demonstrate their profound knowledge and trustworthy custodianship of the game, FIFA has also questioned the appointment of Roy Hodgson as Watford boss, suggested that Mo Salah should get his hair cut and praised West Ham’s Kurt Zouma for kicking a cat.

Image: Pixabay/Northern_Punkie