Genghis Khan defects to the Labour Party

Scourge of civilisation and warrior emperor of half the known world, Genghis Khan, has announced that, following disappointing local election results, he is leaving the Conservative Party to join Keir Starmer's Labour.

'This is a great result for sensible, middle-of-the-road politics" announced Sir Keir, grinning nervously as he shook hands with the axe-wielding war lord. "Plus Mr Khan has some radical policy ideas about small boats which I am sure will make a splash on the campaign trail.'

The move has been greeted with alarm by many in the Labour party, and indeed all around the country, as they fear that the Mongol chief seeks to replace the Tory 'levelling up' agenda with a more drastic plan to simply 'level' everything in sight. 'Still, said one veteran socialist, 'at least he's not Farage, eh?'.

Levelling Up North Fund spent building homes in San Francisco

A leaked document seen by Newsbiscuit has revealed that the government has been building homes in Northern California where rental prices are the highest in the world and the return on investment is greatest.

It isn’t clear who will be receiving the rental income on these properties as the government spokescrook told us all the WhatsApp messages that might help answer our questions had disappeared 'but just the incriminating ones'.

A lawyer we consulted told us that technically, as the government only said it was investing taxpayers’ money "in the north", we can’t assume they meant the north of England. so spending it in north California is probably legal, even if the 'medicinal' crops being grown in the new gardens probably aren't. Secretary of State for Levelling Up Michael Gove is said to be 'totally levelled up, man'.

When the government spokescrook was asked if the expensive new homes were going to be built near to Rishi Sunak's $5 million California penthouse pad , the atmosphere grew noticeably chillier.

Our investigative journalist declined the kind invitation to have a personal viewing of a penthouse suite in a high-rise building named in the document, saying 'I prefer my defenestrations to be in 17th century Prague. I don't want to go the way of a government WhatsApp.'

Image: Maarten van den Heuvel (@mvdheuvel) | Unsplash Photo Community

H/T: sirlupus

People of Stockton hope one day to achieve Shithole status

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