Wild White Goods: the latest fitness craze

Bored with marathons? Fed up with wild swimming? The latest fad for the cognitively impaired but physically fit is Wild White Goods – carrying fridge freezers up mountains, swimming across lakes towing a tumble dryer or just hiking with a Zanussi washing machine.

'I love being out in nature, challenging myself' says Helen (58). 'Anyone can climb a mountain – why not make it interesting?'

Farmers have criticised the movement. Well they would, wouldn’t they? They act like they own the countryside.

Helen again: 'They’re always saying stuff like "you can’t bring that dishwasher here", and "you’re a bloody nutter, what kind of idiot takes a gas hob up Helvellyn?". It’s so frustrating. I listen to The Archers, I count myself an ally. Okay, I’m a vegetarian and I sometimes set the sheep free, but I’ve always done that. If anything, carrying a 50 litre fridge freezer around has slowed me down. They should be pleased'.

There are some positives. Several wild swimmers have mysteriously vanished whilst towing heavy white goods. Something to do with physics, apparently. Rescue services have promised to go out and look for them 'in a week or so, just as soon as we've shifted these items on eBay'.

Image: Wix AI

Meghan’s new cookery show teaches you how to Photoshop a lentil

The new Netflix series, With Love, Meghan, launches on January 15. But already the fan of the Duchess is raving about some of the astonishing food hacks contained in the lifestyle-promotional televisual plea for absolution and lots, lots more attention. ‘I bought myself a House of Sussex notebook and pen and made copious content notes. And – as Meghan advised - finished each with a heart and smiley, and other emojis, to detract from the imperativeness of the standard cooking advice lexicon.’

Smiling pan-racially at every moment, the Duchess welcomes culinary neophytes into a cutting-edge world of insta-conscious gustatory presentational techniques. And what she has unleashed in sustenential positivity is being talked up in some quarters as full karmic compensation for all those years of Covid. For this is not your average cookery show. It is the full, para-royal inversion of a genre.

In the trailer for the series, Meghan can be seen picking produce from her garden and warmly ignoring her father. Back in her Montecito kitchen, while Harry cleans the oven with a very old toothbrush, Meghan spends the first hour of the show thanking her ‘amazing team’ one by one. Using words such as ‘fantastic’ and (again) ‘amazing’ she says that she is ‘beyond grateful for the support’, leaving viewers pondering how ‘beyond grateful’ might take form in language or emotion.

Then it’s down to business! Lentils, the Duchess explains, don’t look good in most close-up shots, even the red ones that are actually from India. So Ms Markle walks viewers through the process of using image editing techniques to make tasteless brown mush gleam like the diamonds worn by the whore played by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. While the food on the plate looks about as appetizing as Walsall street pizza, the resulting image would make you want to eat the screen through which it fakes.

At which point the show ends, leaving viewers gasping at the ingenuity of the knowhow, the smiliness of the Duchess, and the fantastic, amazing teaminess of the team. But be careful! Despite the Duchess’s heartfelt encomiums for a delicate moderation in all things diet, With Love, Meghan is product you might just want to binge. 

Editor's note: The best interpretation we can make of the term 'beyond grateful' is 'not grateful any more.'

Picture credit: deskpilot

The lazy man’s guide to Middle East diplomacy

You know when you’re a political leader, or senior Government figure, and the Middle East kicks off yet again, how do you diplomatically approach the situation without busting a gut. It’s always useful to know a few lazy hacks. (see Tabloid Journalists)

Shuttle Diplomacy

Began in the early 1970s with Henry Kissinger, who, it is said, got the idea after a to and fro game of badminton. The latest exponent of this dexterous art is Anthony Blinken you’ll miss him. Essentially fly to one region, spend as little time as possible in talks with the stakeholder (see Platitudes and Buzz Words) as you can get away with, then fly to the next region, rinse and repeat. (Tip: Try and include the UAE. That Duty Free at Dubai is really something.) By the time you’ve done this several times you will receive enormous plaudits for your efforts, and, as a bonus, have substantially built up your air miles.

Direct Communication

If you do have to speak to any of the warring factions directly by phone, keep the conversation to family or the weather and don’t mention the war. If it looks as though you may be called upon for direct support rustle a paper bag, apologise and tell them they’re breaking up.

Platitudes and Buzz Words

Much of the diplomatic dark arts revolves around talking a lot but saying very little so as not to offend. There are certain words and phrases that are mandatory for this to work. Calling for a ceasefire is a sure fire winner. You sound like a peace maker and the risk of upset to any of the combatants is minimal. Mention a two state solution. Doesn’t matter if you haven’t got the faintest idea how that might be accomplished, just say it. You will also need some variation of ‘I call on all sides pull back from the brink’ in your arsenal. (Tip: You could also try ‘we are exhausting all avenues’ but that may just sound like you’re just driving around Paris)

Wringing Your Hands

This is the ultimate fallback diplomatic move. Not to be confused with Washing Your Hands (see Covid 19) You are showing concern and anxiety about the current situation but, having done so, you can then sit on your hands and put your feet up.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive