Government to cap train fares and golf club memberships

The government has demonstrated it is listening to the woes of the UK population, and has promised to take action to limit increases in rail fares, golf club membership fees, the price of Chianti, and other things that middle-class Conservative voters often spend money on.

'We are very aware of the opinion poll, sorry, cost of living crisis,' said Marjorie Runcorn, Minister for August, "and these decisive steps will make sure that Just About Managing Very Nicely families - and, if necessary, those without children too - will not personally feel the pinch. We are confident that this should help the party - sorry, the country - get through the winter.'

Asked if she might follow the lead of Greater Manchester and also cut bus fares, Ms Runcorn said that actually reducing the price of anything was not government policy, and that personally she had no interest in a transport mode that is only used by "common people who hardly vote"; a sentiment that she later clarified really meant "valued Red Wall Conservatives".

Man successfully cooks something on smallest gas hob ring on cooker

A man has confounded all logic and reason by managing to successfully cook something on the smallest of the 4 hob rings on his gas cooker, it has been confirmed.

Mike McBride 46, managed to cook a small pan of penne pasta in just under 5 hours but admitted that he never expected to complete the ultimate endurance task, only taking it on out of desperation, as all the other hob rings were unavailable.

'I had no choice really', admitted McBride - there was a sauce boiling on one, some veg cooking on the massive hob ring, and of course, the back right ring wasn't igniting, its always the back right one, isn't it?'.

'I tried all the tricks in the book, including constantly twisting the hob dial left and right whilst crouched down closely inspecting the flame to see whether anything other than a miniscule amount of gas was coming through, but it had no effect' admitted McBride.

McBride is now planning another record breaking attempt by trying to work out what the setting on his oven means where it has a half zigzag line at the top and a straight line at the bottom.

Image: Pixabay/Maikolaquino

Teenage boy admits he may have eaten the last of the cereal

Up until now his family had assumed a large family of rats or a plague of locusts had decimated their food larder. The loss of cereal was particularly mysterious as the crockery seemed untouched; although his sister feared he had simply emptied the muesli directly into his mouth and added milk.

Where quite precisely the boy has now stored the excess calories, scientists are at a loss to say, but many see this as indirect proof of the 'hollow legs' theory of transcendental dimensionality. What is more worrying is that his hunger shows no signs of being sated and no one has seen the family dog since Wednesday.

A lawyer for the boy said: 'My client is very sorry for the loss of five tubs of ice cream. In his defence, he had just smoked an ounce of weed. But he has nothing to do with the disappearance of three boxes of kleenex and his father's limited edition of 'Razzle's Reader's Wives' circa 1988’.

Image: Pixabay/Engin_Akyurt