"She was sitting there innocently watching the BBC's coverage of Glastonbury, wondering whether it would be something a bit like Glyndebourne," said a spokes-parrot for the Culture Secretary, Lisa Nandy.
"Then a punk duo called Bob Vylan led crowd chants like 'Free, free Palestine' and 'Death, death to the IDF'. Ms Nandy had just enough time to type out a press release, and a letter of complaint to the BBC, before falling down in a dead faint. She had to be revived with Epsom Salts and extra-strong green tea.
"These are the kind of slogans you'd hear shouted on university campuses and pro-Palestine marches week after week, but who knew they'd also be chanted by a crowd of young people at a festival? Shame on you all for exercising your right to free speech, you little brats! You're not actually meant to use it, you know.
"Our officers have walked alongside hundreds of anti-war protests when people have shouted 'jihad!' but haven't tried to make arrests, fearing for their personal safety," said a spokesman for the Association of Chief Police Officers.
"But we were so utterly shocked by hearing on the telly things we've heard a thousand times before on the streets that we've urged our colleagues down in Somerset to investigate the musicians forthwith, just as soon as they've all come round from their collective fainting fit. Also, arresting a handful of stupid rappers will be an easy collar for Avon and Somerset Police and make them look important."
"We expect punk and rap bands, which made their names from being edgy and anti-establishment, to be on their best behaviour at Glastonbury," a spokes-governess from the Culture Department told the nation, clutching some pearls in one hand and a lorngette in the other."
