JobsForTheBoys.com - the number 1 platform for MPs looking for a second job

Are you an impoverished Tory MP looking to top up your measly £82,000 annual salary?

Frustrated by the lack of opportunities to offer your expert insight on the gambling, tobacco and health sectors to companies in the...er...gambling, tobacco and health sectors?

Are you able to suggest a daily consultancy rate of at least £2,000 a day for supposedly just attending a board meeting, whilst keeping a straight face at all times?

Then come and register with jobsfortheboys.com, the new second jobs platform for Conservative MPs. We can put you in touch with the biggest big businesses and the greasiest lobbyists.

All you need to do is upload your CV, clearly indicating which select committees and task forces you currently serve on. You should also upload at least one example of a sponsored blog you have written on either the dangers of over-regulation, or the advantages of the private sector winning government COVID contracts. Please also indicate any preferences you have for working in sunny tax havens.

We will connect you with our vast network of CEOs, dodgy governments and regulatory influencers. You could soon be topping up your salary and your suntan. We don't like the word 'lobby', although admittedly some payments for your work may be handed to you in a dimly lit hotel lobby, in a brown envelope.

'Jobsfortheboys.com - less of a platform and more of a trough'.

Image: Pixabay/mohamed_hassan

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MPs fail to declare MP’s salary – ‘as they haven’t earnt it’

Among all their passive incomes, second jobs and consultancy, MPs seem to have forgotten what their day job is – other than putting in expenses claims. When asked what they thought the £80,000 salary was for, most replied: ‘New ties?’.

In the Register of Members’ Financial Interests, one Minister said: ‘Yes, please, I'm interested in money – where can get some more?’. The other top three financial interests were said to be a postal address at the Cayman Islands, Nazi gold and the whereabouts Captain Flint’s treasure.

Another MP denied obtaining money under false pretences: ‘I’m paid to sit in the House of Commons, which is what I do. I sit. I stand. Sometimes I even have a little wander around’.

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Huge Fatberg of Lobbyists discovered in Westminster drain

A 100-tonne congealed mass of lobbyists has been found festering deep underneath Westminster. The discovery comes following lobbying by MP Owen Paterson, accusations earlier this year about lobbying by ex-PM David Cameron , the awarding of COVID-contracts without procurement, and at least seven separate enquiries in 2021 into the relationship between private businesses and government.

'These sort of fatbergs have become more and more common since the Tories have come back into power, but this one we've discovered in the pipework under the House of Commons is the biggest yet,' said a Thames Water spokesperson.

'It's a mixture of oily striped-shirted and brace wearing lobbyists on their phones, combined with expensive red wine, foie gras, and chateaubriand from the Carlton Club', continued the spokesperson.

'Unfortunately, it typically it has that shared Eton public school binding agent that helps grease the wheels', concluded the spokseperson. 'Its just so hard to break down and penetrate'.

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