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Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town.


‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting.  I never thought that my collection would grow to be of international significance.’


Parish councillor Bernard Dredge says that the rubber band collection has put the town on the map.  But not in a good way.  According to him ‘International significance’ is definitely stretching it.


‘I find rubber bands every day,’ said Colin.  ‘They are usually on the pavement, sometimes in the gutter and sometimes on driveways. They are never in the same place twice, so I have to be on the lookout all the time, to make sure that I don’t miss any.  Some people think it’s unhygienic to pick them up, but I disinfect them in a dustbin before adding them to my collection, so that they don’t smell.’  The collection now fills six rooms in Colin’s parent’s house, a double garage and the shed. ‘I’ve sorted them by size,’ says Colin, animatedly.  'I'm saving up to start a museum, to show them off properly.'


Colin does not know where the rubber bands come from, but there are always more each day, except on Sundays and Bank Holidays.  ‘They might be brought here by birds, who think they are worms.  But then they drop them because they are too chewy.  Or they might be pinged out of the windows of passing cars.  Or perhaps there is a rubber-clad rubber band fairy who brings them?  Nobody knows.  It’s a mystery.’


Colin is 58.


A spokesman for the Royal Mail was unavailable for comment.



Image credit: perchance.org





In a wide ranging and extensive investigation, Newsbiscuit has concluded that, contrary to many emails, MILFs in your area are not looking for you, or indeed, anyone.


After a flurry of mysterious and enticing emails, Newsbiscuit reporters decided to follow up on the promise of consequence-free, morally casual horizontal delights. We put to the test as to whether there was a cache of eager middle-aged women (we discounted DILFs and GILFs for this report) geographically near, seemingly desperate to meet for immediate liaison.


We clicked on the links in the emails and followed the flow of encouragement under our pseudonym, MILF_LOVER69, but after a frustrating afternoon and a maxed out credit card, we found no desirous mothers close to us or even within 100 miles (the slider wouldn’t go any further). After taking our enquiries from door to door, we also discovered, very quickly and aggressively in many cases, that even within 5 doors of Newsbiscuit HQ, there will be still no ready and waiting, frustrated women at any juncture. The police, after they were called by concerned neighbours, also confirmed that this was probably a scam and that we should stop knocking doors and asking. Beware!


Next week: Our trip to meet a Nigerian Prince under a bridge in Waterloo!


image from Grok


West Wassick District Council has written to its local Aldi store asking them to take down all the flags decorating the store.


A spokesman told us: ‘Many members of the community are distressed by the flags. They are well aware that Aldi was started by two German brothers and that it remains in German ownership. The extravagant displays of Union Flags in store are therefore inappropriate, unsettling and borderline sarcastic.


‘While Aldi may claim that it is ‘Backing British Farmers’ they may have omitted the words ‘Into A Corner’. We fear that their flag waving is more about extracting cash from customers than it is about patriotism.


'The Council has taken steps to paint over flags on mini-roundabouts and to take down flags on lamp posts. We are nothing if not fair, so we are telling Aldi that they need to take their flags down too – to waive the flags, if you like. 


'Don’t say we haven’t got a sense of humour.'



Picture credit: Wix AI

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