Conservative insiders are disappointed that the party’s results are not as bad as they could have been.
'Kemi and the rest of the party has done everything possible to be utterly useless, but it seems that’s not enough for the voters.’ said a spokesperson. 'Third and fourth places aren’t good enough. We are fighting to be at the bottom of the vote. Ideally, we’d be just ahead of Count Binface – we do have some standards - but we’d accept last place with good grace.
'We are disappointed that a bunch of amateur ragamuffins and chancers can get a better result than professional, self-serving and venal ragamuffins and chancers.
'If the results had been worse, then we could have had another leadership election. We love doing those. It’s politics where the winner is more or less guaranteed to be from the Conservative party. And it’s lots more fun than doing constituency work, or being on select committees, or having to turn up in the House of Commons to be razzed by Keir Starmer.
'We will regroup, and we will reflect on what more we can do to piss off the voters. We will obviously be watering down our work in Parliament. Keir can do whatever he wants anyway – the media only cares about the USA and Donald Trump at the moment. And we need more millionaire backers – indolence and gross moral turpitude is just as costly as doing politics properly.
'We might just lie low and try to cook up a dodgy deal with Reform. We like Reform. We know what they’re thinking.’
Image: WixAI
