'Don't know why we lost' says annoying prick

The Prime Minister seemed genuinely surprised that his party had  picked up less votes than a UK Eurovision Entry. 'It's almost as people hate what we have done,' he remarked as he strangled a puppy and threw it onto his pile of other dead puppies. 'But our policies make lives better,' he quipped as he shot a passing Nun and drop kicked an owl.

With all the lack of self reflection of a vampire, the PM doubled down on his austerity/genocide vibe. 'Voters adore a sanctimonious authoritarian, who is constantly on the take and is a compulsive liar to boot,' he said as he casually hit a wheel chair with mallet. 'I'm like that line manager who insists everyone works weekends, while embezzling the staff pensions - who doesn't love that guy?

'Anyway,' he snorted, as he set fire to an orphanage. 'They say you get beaten by Farage twice in your careeer, once on the way up...'

Reform voter ecstatic that Farage is now Prime Minister

After voting for the Reform Party in Thursday's local election, Gary Tompkins, is celebrating the elevation of Nigel Farage to demi-god.

Tompkins, 43 of Much Moaning on the Stour, was elated to find that Reform candidate, Queenie Whiteface, won the vacant Parish Councillor seat in his village, and is looking forward to seeing Farage doing Prime Minister's Questions next Wednesday.

'With Queenie as our new Parish Councillor, I'm really looking forward to seeing her send all the Muslims back to where they came from, all the small boats getting torpedoed in the Channel, and England becoming a Christian country again.'

Gary, who has never been in a church in his life, told our reporter he is "looking forward to being able to celebrate Christmas again, after it was abolished by Keir Starmer and his band of woke, transgender, lefty, liberal ministers after last year's general election."

'Now that Sir Nigel is Prime Minister again, we can start using the pound again, instead of the euro, and get down to the serious business of being a proper country, like my granddad fought for in the war,' he added. 

Tories! With effort, we can do worse!

Conservative insiders are disappointed that the party’s results are not as bad as they could have been.

'Kemi and the rest of the party has done everything possible to be utterly useless, but it seems that’s not enough for the voters.’ said a spokesperson. 'Third and fourth places aren’t good enough. We are fighting to be at the bottom of the vote. Ideally, we’d be just ahead of Count Binface – we do have some standards - but we’d accept last place with good grace.

'We are disappointed that a bunch of amateur ragamuffins and chancers can get a better result than professional, self-serving and venal ragamuffins and chancers.

'If the results had been worse, then we could have had another leadership election. We love doing those. It’s politics where the winner is more or less guaranteed to be from the Conservative party. And it’s lots more fun than doing constituency work, or being on select committees, or having to turn up in the House of Commons to be razzed by Keir Starmer.

'We will regroup, and we will reflect on what more we can do to piss off the voters. We will obviously be watering down our work in Parliament. Keir can do whatever he wants anyway – the media only cares about the USA and Donald Trump at the moment. And we need more millionaire backers – indolence and gross moral turpitude is just as costly as doing politics properly.

'We might just lie low and try to cook up a dodgy deal with Reform. We like Reform. We know what they’re thinking.’

Image: WixAI