Government’s Woke Department demolishes Somerset House as it's not in Somerset

An official government LGBTQ person has announced that a famous neoclassical non-descript building overlooking the River Thames is to be torn down. It will be replaced by a farmers' market and a large car park, exclusively for green EV tractors.

Activists have been lobbying the government for years, campaigning for an official apology from the Prime Minister and the payment of substantial reparations to Somerset.

‘We can’t have a building named after Somerset when according to all known records and ordnance survey maps, it’s not even located in Somerset. It doesn’t make any sense.'

'We found it by accident when Franks Sat Nav on his Toyota Diesel Landcruiser started playing up as we drove through central London. He made the startling discovery that we were not Somerset, and not only that, nowhere near its borders. Apparently, it’s been this way since at least 1776. So the sooner we have this monstrously socially unjust Dickensian edifice torn down, the better.'

Asked where all the tenants of the building complex would be located, He/She/They/His/Her/Its/WTF, suggested Wokingham might not be a bad idea as they were pushing Boris to have the town replace London as the nations capital city.

Tory planning system change will lead to new homes in flood zones

A radical blueprint put forward as a "once-in-a-generation reform" from the government has the aim of sweeping away "slow and complex" planning laws.

The shake-up, a central part of the prime minister's "build, build, build" agenda, includes automatic planning approval for new homes on land earmarked for growth, however low-lying. The revolution is published in a government consultation paper, Planning For The Future, pushed by Housing Secretary Robert Jenrick just weeks after he became embroiled in a planning row.

The changes come after record donations from housebuilders to Conservative Party funds. House building companies wil make up a large portion of the representatives on the planning boards. There are no plans to include climate scientists in those decisions.

A spokesman for a green campaign group said "We fear the plans will lead to new builds that have to be abandoned in just a few decades due to sea level rise. Some of the likely build zones are in extremely dangerous coastal areas, like for example Norfolk or London."

The Labour Party have said they intend to sink this bill at the earliest opportunity.

London resolves lack of floating swimming pools before removing lethal cladding

Survivors of the Grenfell fire were grateful to see that £1 million has been spent on helping rich people pretend to float in a cloud rather than finding justice. Instead of wasting money to frivolously stop families burn to death, wealthy residents have prioritized acrophobia in a bikini.

The ‘Sky Pool’ is 115ft above the ground and miles above your lifestyle. It has a glass bottom, which has more transparency than the Grenfell enquiry. Also, when filled with water, the pool is substantially more fire-resistant.

Linking two luxury apartment blocks, the pool will give swimmers the feeling that they do not have a care in the world – and if you can afford the £6,500 per month, that will probably be true. People on the ground will look like worker ants but less valued.

One resident defended the project: ‘Who wouldn’t want to be drenched in water at the top of a high rise?’, To which a Grenfell survivor replied: ‘I think that was our point’.