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McSweeney's phone stolen by Yeti


The disgraced Chief of Staff insisted that it would be impossible to recover, as it had been abducted by aliens, swallowed by the Loch Ness Monster and had dropped through a wormhole in space. The phone, which contained incriminating messages, was unavoidably unavailable and would remain so "if it knew what was good for it".


Cynics suggested McSweeney was covering up evidence, and that Yetis preferred Android devices to iPhones. Nevertheless, the phone is utterly gone, along with Lord Lucan's filofax and Amelia Earhart's fidget spinner.


Police blamed their failure to properly investigate, on pixies and their usual corruption. It does mean we may never properly know the truth of whether the Labour Government were a bunch of crooks or if they were a bunch of crooks with WhatsApp.


image by Grok


Lord Lucan grassed up by his air fryer

Lord Lucan has been found, alive and well in Peru, fifty years after disappearing from London in suspicious circumstances. Sensationally, the 90-year-old Lord Lucan was caught after his air fryer worked out his real identity and reported him to Interpol.


Lord Lucan is still struggling to understand the technology that brought him to justice.  ‘I’m sorry. I’ve been grassed up by a tiny oven that can only cook a meal for one, and can’t cope with anything moist? Why would a small electrical appliance be listening to me anyway?  And why would it record my words and broadcast them to the world?  It didn’t say anything about that on the box.  I only wanted it to make chips.  I’ve heard of Hi-Fi, but what on earth is WiFi?


‘I wouldn’t mind so much, but I bought the wretched thing in a thrift shop and I had to get someone to fit a local plug to it so that I could use it.  It’s been fairly useless for cooking.  It doesn’t do soup or eggs benedict or gazpacho or toasted sandwiches.  Roasted sandwiches, more like.  And the chips are disappointing, too.  And now it's sold me down the river, the ghastly thing.  Who invents stuff like this?  The FSB?  Mossad?  Why would a kitchen cooker be connected to the internet?  It’s mad.  Was I targeted?  Has anyone else been dobbed in by a small electrical item?


Interpol were surprised to receive a tip off from an air fryer, but are thrilled with the result.  A delighted and slightly overexcited spokesman said, ‘Lucan’s goose is cooked. He’s toast. He’s been skewered. I expect he’s boiling mad. He couldn’t take the heat. The whole thing was a recipe for disaster.


‘We expect to return Lord Lucan to the Metropolitan Police, who say that they are looking forward to grilling him.’


The air fryer is now in line to collect a substantial reward.



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