top of page
Search

American streets now made entirely from gold



Only a week into the big job and President Trump has transformed the USA. Crime has vanished, nobody is sick and Canada is begging to join the party.


‘I was a sceptic’ said Marjorie Williams (58), a lifelong Democrat. ‘But then the Gold Man drove by, distributing ingots to every household, and I can afford to retire early’.


Every large American town now has a Gold Man, tasked with getting rid of all the pesky gold accumulating since America became Great again.


Formerly trans people have developed clarity over their sexuality and gender alignment, which has significantly improved their sense of well-being. Hurricanes have agreed to stay away from the United States after The Donald ‘had a word’, and all geographical features in the world have volunteered to be renamed ‘of America’.


Perhaps the best news is oil. No longer a hydrocarbon, oil has miraculously stopped producing CO2 when combusted, meaning that the polar bears can safely continue sitting on top of giant mints.


In other news, man, this is really good shit.



Trump pardons all registered Republican voters



President Trump has today pardoned thousands of prisoners, including many on death row.


A spokesman said that all registered Republican voters had been pardoned because the President knew that they would help to 'Make America Great Again' and that 'their hearts were in the right place.' Every pardoned prisoner will, on release, be given a free MAGA cap.


The President plans to make use of the freed up prison capacity to lock up migrants, if they were registered Democrats, before sending them into space on one of Elon’s rockets.


Some people have been concerned that the released prisoners might re-offend, but the President said that this was 'not a problem', as he could pardon them again, adding 'the only crime is not voting Trump'.


bottom of page