Premier League confectioner declares ‘No more fudge’

In a break from tradition, the Premier League sweet manufacturer has stopped issuing fudge. A scathing report about a foul stench in East Manchester that left a sour taste in the mouth was expected to elicit a bland, overly sweetened offering from the Premier League confectioner. Instead, they appear to have acquired some aniseed balls at long last.

Allegations that the Manchester organisation had been misrepresenting the amount of Middle Eastern flavourings being stirred into their Hundreds and Thousands have now been proven. Similarly, it has been demonstrated that they obstructed Allsorts of investigations into their activities.

Throughout the confectionery world, there are not many organisations who are still keeping Love Hearts in stock for the Manchester sweet shop.

The Premier League confectioner has not yet determined what sanctions to impose but they are fully expected to be Extra Strong. And The Toffees will probably lose points again too.

Image: Alexas_Fotos - Pixabay

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Those new Burnham policies in full

As the nation looks forward to a proper northern Prime Minister, with proper northern policies, Newsbiscuit presents a handy guide to what we can all expect.

1. More investment in the north. 'Currently the north's benefits bill is a huge drain on the rest of the country,' said Andy Burnham today. 'Instead, we should send just as much money north, but call it investment. Which would in some way be better.'

2. The national anthem to be replaced by the music from the Hovis ad, or the theme tune to Coronation Street on ceremonial occasions.

3. The three meals of the day to be called breakfast, dinner and 'us tea', the last of which must always be bread and dripping washed down with Yorkshire tea.

4. Plans to join the euro to be abandoned, and sterling instead to be replaced with pies.

5. London always to be referred to as 'that London'.

6. A picture of Liam Gallagher putting two fingers up to be on every banknote.

7. Assuming someone's from Yorkshire when they're actually from Lancashire (or vice versa) to be made a capital offence.

8. Manchester City to be exempted from Premier League spending limits (isn't this true already?).

   
   

9. Vastly exaggerating the hardship of your childhood to be made compulsory.

10. BBC transmission to finish every night with an episode of Phoenix Nights.

11. Monkeh to be given a peerage for his services to tea sales, with a further award for "not being stuck up".

12. A new HS3 train line to be built between Leeds and Bradford, 'cos there's nowhere else worth goin' ter.'

13. An annual pilgrimage to Makerfield to be required of every citizen, except of course Andy Burnham who'll

never set foot there again.

Image credit: ChatGPT

Pundits agree Guardiola's skill with a cheque book unmatched.

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