New Old Trafford stadium will 'be the best in League Two'

Manchester United’s owners have boasted that the futuristic mega structure that will become their new stadium will allow '100,000 people watch some desperately mediocre football for many years to come'.

One Manchester United fan said 'I personally cannot wait for teams like Accrington Stanley and the Dog and Duck Second XI to play in a stadium that is primarily a shopping centre and yet somehow also visible from space.'

'Manchester City might get relegated because of Financial Fair Play rules. United will get relegated the old fashioned way.'

Zuflaxizog, the pilot of a passing alien spaceship, fumed 'There is a lot of space debris around the Earth these days. Mostly footballs from errant Manchester United strikers. Hey, what’s the massive red circus tent? '

Photo by Nat Callaghan on Unsplash

Surreal Madras boycotted Ballon D’Or over Tesco Dave snub

Somerset Sunday League team Surreal Madras FC have admitted that they didn’t attend the Ballon D’Or celebrations in Paris because they felt that their captain and midfield enforcer Tesco Dave was overlooked for the main award.

Supermarket worker Dave Stone was beaten to the award by Manchester City’s Rodri, demonstrating a ‘lack of respect for this country’s best Sunday morning footballer’ according to Surreal Madras FC representatives. ‘Tesco was brilliant for us all season, and only got sent off once which was for sarcasm after asking a bespectacled ref if there was any point in him wearing glasses’.

Surreal Madras boss Steve ‘Nutter’ Chester was similarly unsuccessful in the manager category, although he did get more votes than Erik ten Hag.

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Man City Settle Premier League Case for £100

In a shocking yet entirely expected development, Manchester City football club have settled all 115 of its alleged breaches of Premier League financial regulations for a £100 payment to the league and a promise to establish a community service initiative. At a hastily arranged press conference, a balaclava-clad spokesperson for the Premier League mumbled incoherently for approximately twelve seconds before fleeing.

A Man City representative then took the podium to express quiet satisfaction at the outcome of the case. ‘City Football Club are relieved that the recent unpleasantness is now concluded and that all fans can unite around Abu Dh... er … City in the side’s pursuit of further glory.’ City’s X feed was less circumspect, with a statement posted there repeating the phrase 'WE WON!!' 115 times.

The community service initiative will, according to a Club statement, involve the establishment of a program to help little old ladies cross busy streets in Premier League cities. City have promised to use the initiative to help ‘at least five’ elderly women. Ladies wishing assistance will need to complete a detailed online application form and submit a £200 non-refundable registration fee.

Reaction to the initiative among Premier League fans was mixed. When asked whether she planned to take advantage of it, Emma, 85, responded with a lengthy and colourful string of unprintable invective. Agnes, 79, took a more nuanced view. ‘I don’t need help crossing the street,’ she said, ‘but if someone wants to shove a United fan into traffic, I wouldn’t lose too much sleep.’

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