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The Football Association has taken the FA Cup back from previous holders Crystal Palace after what is being called ‘an embarrassment to the brand’. The FA have taken this unprecedented step due to the biggest FA Cup shock ever in the history of the oldest and most prestigious football cup competition in the world.


Macclesfield FC of the National League North are 117 places below Crystal Palace but soundly and deservedly beat them 2-1. Although many football fans found this very, very funny, the FA were not amused.


A spokesblazer explained, ‘We expect the FA Cup holders to be ambassadors for the competition, maintaining the highest standards of football artistry and entertainment, while heartlessly despatching lower league opponents so the prize money stays with the top teams. Crystal Palace dragging Macclesfield down to their level and then losing to them has caused irreparable damage and embarrassment to the association, so we had to act.’


It is understood that the FA Cup has been awarded to Manchester City instead. Not only were they the defeated finalists due to refereeing incompetence, but they demonstrated how FA Cup holders are expected to thrash smaller clubs, defeating Exeter City 10-1.


The spokesblazer added, ‘Awarding the FA Cup to Manchester City now will probably save a bit of admin in May too.’



Manchester United’s owners have boasted that the futuristic mega structure that will become their new stadium will allow '100,000 people watch some desperately mediocre football for many years to come'.


One Manchester United fan said 'I personally cannot wait for teams like Accrington Stanley and the Dog and Duck Second XI to play in a stadium that is primarily a shopping centre and yet somehow also visible from space.'


'Manchester City might get relegated because of Financial Fair Play rules. United will get relegated the old fashioned way.'


Zuflaxizog, the pilot of a passing alien spaceship, fumed 'There is a lot of space debris around the Earth these days. Mostly footballs from errant Manchester United strikers. Hey, what’s the massive red circus tent? '


Photo by Nat Callaghan on Unsplash

Somerset Sunday League team Surreal Madras FC have admitted that they didn’t attend the Ballon D’Or celebrations in Paris because they felt that their captain and midfield enforcer Tesco Dave was overlooked for the main award.


Supermarket worker Dave Stone was beaten to the award by Manchester City’s Rodri, demonstrating a ‘lack of respect for this country’s best Sunday morning footballer’ according to Surreal Madras FC representatives. ‘Tesco was brilliant for us all season, and only got sent off once which was for sarcasm after asking a bespectacled ref if there was any point in him wearing glasses’.


Surreal Madras boss Steve ‘Nutter’ Chester was similarly unsuccessful in the manager category, although he did get more votes than Erik ten Hag.




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