Northern commuters delighted by London Underground extension

People living outside the M25 have been celebrating, euphoric with the news that an extra two stations have been added to the London Underground network.

Piotr Polkowski from Glasgow said: 'Two miles of track, to two new stops at a cost of only £1.1 billion? It's brilliant news! I cannot wait for the trickle down benefits to level us up. Most of our bus and train services have been cancelled or smell like public toilets.'

Luke Lyle from Manchester added 'Booking a Manchester to Leeds return costs more than a month's salary. On average it's 3 days late and also a bus. Still, I would far rather the government used the magic money tree for shaving 10 minutes off the journey time from London.'

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers shrugged 'I mean it's on the Northern Line, that's close enough. What more do these red wall oiks want, actual infrastructure?'

Indian team admits: 'We just didn't fancy a week in Manchester'

The Indian cricket board has 'regretfully' announced that they cannot field a team for the final Test Match at Old Trafford, because they are 2-1 up in the series, and their players want to get home to somewhere with decent weather, perhaps a beach, and put their feet up before the highly lucrative Indian Premier League starts in two weeks' time.

It is understood that the England and Wales Cricket Board stands to lose £20 million, while the IPL is worth £300m to the Bank of Credit and Commerce International - whoops, Board of Control of Cricket India. Or rather, it is now worth £280 million after the ECB changed the status of the match from 'forfeited by India, series drawn 2-2' to 'cancelled, India win the series 2-1' in the early hours of this morning.

Meanwhile, some of the backroom staff have unfortunately tested positive for COVID, none of the actual players have, but as a spokesperson shouted from a taxi on the way to the airport. 'You can't be too careful eh?'

PDPics/Pixabay