Research by sperm whales shows human speech is similar but laughable

Research by sperm whales has revealed that human beings are able to communicate by using noises which are grouped together to form 'words' and 'sentences', just like whales.

The resulting 'conversations' are similar to that of sperm whales, only researchers found that, although human beings said a lot, it often didn't amount to very much.

Doctor Dorsal Finn, lead researcher at Sea World in Florida where he and his colleagues interact with an audience five times a week, said: 'We've had great success at training audiences to cry 'Ooo!' and 'Ahh!' at specific moments. Crazy thing is, humans think they are so sophisticated, but they spend a lot of time talking to glass screens instead of to each other.'

'Some of them complain about not being able to say anything any more. As they're saying it. Over and over again.'

'Not only that, some of the signals we've picked up from the coast of Mar-a-Lago show that human beings are capable of great stupidity - but other human beings are capable of great calamari, so what can you do?'

Image: WixAI

Tiger Woods to be Trump's Middle East envoy

"He plays golf, he is behaving in an increasingly erratic way and he has convictions to his name," a spokes-putter for President Trump told reporters at Mar-a-Lago.

"Tiger Woods therefore seems the perfect representative for the President in peace talks with Iran.

"The only problem may be that Mr Woods attended the prestigious Stanford University.

"He might therefore bring intelligence and reasoning to the negotiations, rather than the blundering, pig-ignorant clown show that President Trump was planning."

image from Grok

Iran asks: Is Trump using confusion tactics?

'The US President says he wants peace but is sending 10,000 troops to the war zone,' said a perplexed spokes-skeleton for the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corpse.

'He says he's negotiating with an Iranian leader who calls the shots, but says his interlocutor will be shot if he's caught negotiating with him.

'And Trump says he wants to bomb all our energy plants and be Iran's worst nightmare, but then says he's kindly giving us 10 days before doing it.

'Is he saying all this to confuse us and give us a huge migraine so that we beg him to away?'

A State Department official was quick to clarify the situation, saying: 'This is not a trick. The President is way out of his depth and genuinely has no idea what he's doing.'

'I've even managed to confuse myself,' Trump posted on Truth Social, in a unique moment of honesty.

'I've been wandering around Graceland looking at pictures of Elvis when I could have sworn I was in the war room at Mar-a-Lago launching Tomahawks onto schools.'

Image credit: perchance.org