Colin the Caterpillar has become embroiled in the Cabinet Office investigation into illegal lockdowns, as an important – and highly litigious – witness to the PM’s birthday shindig, sources have confirmed today.
The chocolate-based sponge cake, with a delicious hard crust, insists he has little recollection of being at the event, but if he was there he didn't think he himself wasn't breaking any COVID rules in place at the time. However, photos from the event appear to show Colin - or parts of him being passed around on fancy napkins to everyone present.
Under questioning from Sue Gray, Colin is said to have become an increasingly hostile witness, particularly when he learned the Chief Whipped Cream was called Mark Spencer. Colin misunderstood this to be a coded message of omerta from his employers and no comment-ed thereafter.
After his interrogation, Colin was overheard furiously talking to his lawyer. 'Attention should be focusing on that doughy looking fruit cake that has inhabited number 10 for the last 2 years, not me', he raged. 'Thanfully, he might soon be scone. I squashed that Aldi caterpillar cake and I’ll squash the Aldi Donald Trump too. This is not schadenfreude, this is M&S schadenfreude.’