Government admits future of country depends on John Lewis Christmas Advert

The prime-minister has admitted that unless John Lewis come up with a stunning Christmas advert this year, the country is going to collapse.

"Frankly, I've had quite an attractive offer from Rwanda to buy the country outright and bearing mind the NHS, immigration, climate, inflation and fuel crises, if we don't get something up to the level of Monty the Penguin, I'm minded to accept. The Rwandan deal has the advantage of diffusing the "send refugees to Rwanda" controversy as technically everyone in the UK would actually be in Rwanda."

Kier Starmer has criticised the government dependency on John Lewis.

"This is ridiculous; the government has to take more action than simply hoping that John Lewis come up with spiffing advert. I can tell you that Labour would also press Marks & Spencer to come up with a good one and we're in close negotiations with the Cadbury's gorilla."

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Colin the Caterpillar interviewed as Partygate witness

Colin the Caterpillar has become embroiled in the Cabinet Office investigation into illegal lockdowns, as an important – and highly litigious – witness to the PM’s birthday shindig, sources have confirmed today.

The chocolate-based sponge cake, with a delicious hard crust, insists he has little recollection of being at the event, but if he was there he didn't think he himself wasn't breaking any COVID rules in place at the time. However, photos from the event appear to show Colin - or parts of him being passed around on fancy napkins to everyone present.

Under questioning from Sue Gray, Colin is said to have become an increasingly hostile witness, particularly when he learned the Chief Whipped Cream was called Mark Spencer. Colin misunderstood this to be a coded message of omerta from his employers and no comment-ed thereafter.

After his interrogation, Colin was overheard furiously talking to his lawyer. 'Attention should be focusing on that doughy looking fruit cake that has inhabited number 10 for the last 2 years, not me', he raged. 'Thanfully, he might soon be scone. I squashed that Aldi caterpillar cake and I’ll squash the Aldi Donald Trump too. This is not schadenfreude, this is M&S schadenfreude.’

Hat-tip ChrisF

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

M&S to stop selling suits, almost 20 years after it sold its last one

The end of an era and the end a terrible business model, has come to an end. Marks & Spencer has finally conceded that selling one suit every twenty years is unsustainable, even if you get the customer to buy a matching tie.

The suits are now consigned to the bargain bin of high street folklore; along with buying Betamax tapes from Blockbuster and lead-coated toys from Woolworths. In a recent poll, customers cited the top three reasons for why they might wear a M&S suit were - a funeral, a court appearance and a dare

Their last customer was a Mr. Malcolm Durrant (57), who had purchased a particularly fetching three-piece beige suit, back in 2001. The Head of Sales explained: ‘We’d been holding out for a follow up sale. Therefore, when Mr. Durrant walked back in, twenty years later, we thought we’re back in business. All the staff were whooping and doing high fives. We thought we might even shift a pair of socks. So, imagine our disappointment when he tried to return said suit, ridiculously claiming it had never been worn’,

Commented Mr. Durrant: ‘It hadn’t’.

photo: fudowakira @ Pixabay