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Education Secretary calls for geometry experts to define what a square meal looks like




As the nation bores more holes in their belts to enable them to be tightened ever further and 30p Lee’s spending advice on nutritious meals fails to get traction, the Education Secretary believes that children are starving because their parents had a poor education in geometry under the last Labour government and are therefore lacking the skills to provide the three square meals a day that nutritionists say are essential.


“It really doesn’t matter how large a meal is, so long as it’s square” she told a Mumsnet group during a bingo intermission. “There is no reason whatsoever that pizzas have to be round and it doesn’t take too much effort to seek out the square ones. If the demand for square pizzas goes up, you can be certain that market forces will adapt to ensure most pizzas are square and circular pizzas will become novelties.”


She added that the packaging industry can step up to the mark too, by making square ready meal containers instead of the more familiar oblong ones and the shit and sugar they contain won’t just be equally nutritious, it will probably taste better too.


Food technology teachers are to undergo rigorous retraining under the direction of their maths colleagues to plan how to teach parents attending night school classes how to construct food in the shape of a plane figure with four equal sides and four right angles. Since most plates are circular, they will also learn how to calculate the size of an inscribed square in a circle of known radius to ensure the meals fit the plates.


The Mumsnet audience the Education Secretary spoke to said they thought it was about time the government did something to prevent their kids starving, but asked whether they would get reimbursed for the cash they’d lose from their second jobs if they had to attend night school.


Newsbiscuit asked a mathematician for his thoughts on the plan and was told he wasn’t expert in nutritional matters, but it doesn’t help when the Education Secretary refers to rectangles as oblongs and circles as rounds, however he did say he would consult Euclid's Elements again to see if it mentions any snacks he may have consumed when writing the series of 13 books.


Kids taunt Archimedes with "Who ate all the πs?"



'I am one of Athens' most important mathematicians,' Archimedes declared stoutly to reporters at a press conference in the agora.


'That is why I find it so demeaning when all these urchins from the gymnasium crowd round me, when I am sitting in the sand drawing circles, and chant: "Who ate all the πs? Who ate all the πs? Who ate, who ate, who ate all the πs?"


'Just because I've become a bit spherical over the years. Archimedes screw those guys. Why don't they go and pick on Euclid, instead? He's a total square.'


'The πs have gone to my arse, but no-one cared before. πs... arse... cared... hang on, there might be something in that!'


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