Matt Hancock leaves to standing ovation from grateful nation for job well done

Universally popular man of the people, Health Secretary Matt Hancock, has walked tall and proud through streets lined with millions of grateful Brits all cheering wildly for his outstanding contribution and service to this world-beating country.

Sorry about that, I thought this was for my other job of spouting false bilge for a tabloid rag of filth.

Actually, what has happened is that the death ghost Hat Mancock has skulked away from the scene of his genocidal disgrace.

There's not much more to say about him that his appointer and boss hasn't already. Who then left him in position for over a year to really shag things up good and proper.

His greatest role model in Downing Street, Dominic Bollockhead Cummings, could only speak without hesitation, deviation or repetition on the subject of 'why Hancock is a palm penis' for just the seven hours.

Half a million nurses, though, what do they think?

Collectively and in unison they all indicated their admiration and respect with the well-chosen, thoughtful and heartfelt words, "Fuck off, Hancock."

But is there anyone left who actually does still feel positively towards the former Health Secretary, even in some small way? His oldest, closest and longest-standing friend offered these warm words:

"Matt has the look and persona of a shadowy coward who if you were to offer him a little piece of cheese, would snatch it from you, scurry away into a corner, and frantically gnaw at it from his his little clutchy claws while furtively glancing from side to side as if to say, 'No, my cheese.'

Hancock: 'hands, face, space' to be replaced with 'snog, grope, apologise'

Health secretary Matt Hancock has today announced the current 'Hands, Face, Space' campaign will be scrapped in favour of an edgier and more popular slogan : 'Snog, Grope, Apologise'.

This latest development, signalling the next step on the lockdown roadmap, has been met with a swell of support amongst Tory members.

Boris Johnson is reportedly 'delighted' and will be doing his very best to abide by the advice: 'We are urging the public to have a good old fumble and canoodle - especially extramarital groping with colleagues or acquaintances. But we must be clear - people are to do so 'with caution'. Because, as always, it isn't our fault if it goes tits up...pun fully intended'.

Hancock has been 'leading from the front' having already accosted a nearby aide for a vomit-inducing snog and grope combo. He then swiftly moved on to step three - issuing a heartfelt apology to his 'true love' his 'soulmate' - Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

Matt Hancock's wife is reportedly working on her own campaign slogan, containing words such as 'cheating' 'bastard' 'and 'divorce'.

Hancock leaks photo to keep job

Ill-Health Secretary Matt Hancock has sneakily leaked a photo of himself snogging a girl. Eugh. An actual girl. "I didn't really want to, but the big boys told me to do it. Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but I hope Boris sees it because then he might let me stay and play."

Prime Minister Boris Johnsonthing responded, "I said that Mr. Hopelessfucker was in want of damn good sacking, not a damn good shagging. Why do people always mishear and misunderstand what I say? Now, my perfect Sunday is when I pop round to Gyles Brandreth's house and he shows me his collection of teddies. Hoy, did I say perfect Sunday? No that would be a terrible nightmare of a Sunday. We all have our cross toy bear. No, but I would though. And he has a marvellous collection of swine corpses as well. Obviously, I didn't say swine corpses, I said decapitated voters. Think I might shag Hancock later. Or maybe I'll sack him? One or the other. Or maybe neither. What pandemic? Now where's my toy bus that I made?"

Stepping in to clarify, Secretary for Something or Other Liz Truss confirmed, "No Conservative Party rules have been broken. Fuck an aide, and you're a player. Fuck an entire country and they give you a Lordship. That's the way we roll. That's the way we've always rolled. Now that's how you open up a pork market. Boom! Truss out."

An official statement from Downing Street said the Prime Minister has accepted Matt Hancock’s apology for breaching social distancing guidelines and "considers the matter just about sleazy enough."