1. We'd forgotten who she is.
2. We'll never get that time back.
3. Watching paint dry is fun by comparison.
4. We wasted our money on Netflix.
5. We'd forgotten who who is?
image from pixabay
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Horror writer Stephen King has written an unexpected sequel to his 1970s hit “Carrie”.
Entitled “Meghan”, it tells the tale of a needy and vulnerable young woman who finally snaps when pushed beyond her limits.
For most of the book, we’re encouraged to hope things will turn out well for her, as she presents an aspirational lifestyle show about her life in the exclusive California enclave of Montecito, alongside some ginger git who bumbles around in the background looking confused, but in the end just goes along with whatever the hell she’s doing now.
However, the third act climax comes when she reads online reviews and comments, finding the show hasn’t brought her the acceptance she craves, just more mockery and humiliation.
Bewildered and enraged, Meghan rampages through the organic delis and traditional craft markets of Montecito, snapping the pencil-thin necks of anorexic women with whom she was only yesterday sharing recipes for a refreshing and wholesome quinoa salad.
The final scene has her drenched from head to foot in macrobiotic goji berry smoothie, beating ladies who lunch to death with an authentic Shaker-style kitchen chair (very reasonably priced at only US$35,000).
Negotiations over possibly turning the book into a movie were interrupted by Meghan herself, who “just wanted to be proactive” in letting the producers know she’d be available to play herself.
”After all, I’ve gotta find something to do with my time. You think keeping bees and serving mimosas for brunch every day is really that fulfilling?”
image from pixabay
The new Netflix series, With Love, Meghan, launches on January 15. But already the fan of the Duchess is raving about some of the astonishing food hacks contained in the lifestyle-promotional televisual plea for absolution and lots, lots more attention. ‘I bought myself a House of Sussex notebook and pen and made copious content notes. And – as Meghan advised - finished each with a heart and smiley, and other emojis, to detract from the imperativeness of the standard cooking advice lexicon.’
Smiling pan-racially at every moment, the Duchess welcomes culinary neophytes into a cutting-edge world of insta-conscious gustatory presentational techniques. And what she has unleashed in sustenential positivity is being talked up in some quarters as full karmic compensation for all those years of Covid. For this is not your average cookery show. It is the full, para-royal inversion of a genre.
In the trailer for the series, Meghan can be seen picking produce from her garden and warmly ignoring her father. Back in her Montecito kitchen, while Harry cleans the oven with a very old toothbrush, Meghan spends the first hour of the show thanking her ‘amazing team’ one by one. Using words such as ‘fantastic’ and (again) ‘amazing’ she says that she is ‘beyond grateful for the support’, leaving viewers pondering how ‘beyond grateful’ might take form in language or emotion.
Then it’s down to business! Lentils, the Duchess explains, don’t look good in most close-up shots, even the red ones that are actually from India. So Ms Markle walks viewers through the process of using image editing techniques to make tasteless brown mush gleam like the diamonds worn by the whore played by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. While the food on the plate looks about as appetizing as Walsall street pizza, the resulting image would make you want to eat the screen through which it fakes.
At which point the show ends, leaving viewers gasping at the ingenuity of the knowhow, the smiliness of the Duchess, and the fantastic, amazing teaminess of the team. But be careful! Despite the Duchess’s heartfelt encomiums for a delicate moderation in all things diet, With Love, Meghan is product you might just want to binge.
Editor's note: The best interpretation we can make of the term 'beyond grateful' is 'not grateful any more.'
Picture credit: deskpilot
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