Met Police | NewsBiscuit

Met to Introduce Anti-Woke Crimes

Sep 6

Using emergency legislation, the government is to give the Metropolitan Police new powers to arrest supporters of so-called 'Woke Causes' for newly introduced specific crimes.

Amendments to the Police Act, will soon allow officers to detain Black Lives Matter protesters for "possession of a knee with intent to kneel." Pedestrians who are still on a Pelican Crossing when the green man starts flashing can also be arrested for supporting Just Stop Oil and holding up the highway; as can cyclists who fail to give way to any motor vehicle that is behind them.

Speaking outside New Scotland Yard, a Met spokesman lauded the proposed changes to the law. He remarked, 'These sorely-needed updates to bring policing into the 21st century will greatly aid our officers in the execution of their duties. This is the biggest shake up of law enforcement in the capital, and most-needed, since the 1980s, when we could arrest someone simply for owning a Bob Marley LP, or speaking in public with an Irish accent.'

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First published 6 Sep 2023

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We love the Nottingham Carnival - except when we don't

Wrenfoe

Sep 2

It's a marvellous spectacle of arts and culture or a knife fight with fangs, depending on what side of the bed a journalist gets out of. Commented one editor, ‘There was a delightful parade of acrobats and stilt walkers, yet I had a nagging suspicion that at least one of them is fleeing the scene in plain sight.

‘I’m not saying there is anything wrong with brightly coloured wigs, but they are an excellent way of concealing forensic evidence and evading capture. We all love a cheerful carousel of music, but we should also simultaneously wonder if it is covering the sound of a gunshot.’

This general paranoia by the press was not reflected among the revellers. One observed, ‘It’s a friendly and welcoming atmosphere – during which I am able to destroy Exhibit B unobserved. The Carnival it's less an attraction and more of a burner phone disposal event.’

Image: File:Notting Hill Carnival 1989 (04).jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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Met Police to recruit full-time apologist

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Aug 14

The Metropolitan Police has advertised for a Professional Apologist to help them keep up with all the cock-ups, racism and murders.

The most recent cock-up was their ‘monitoring’ of double-murderer Simon Levy, who nevertheless managed to murder two women and rape a third while under their scrutiny.

‘Not really our fault, is it?’ said a spokesman. ‘He’s not a serving police officer. I can understand the public being grumpy when it’s an actual Met officer who’s the killer, but we can’t seriously be expected to stop known criminals from murdering people, can we? That’s just what they do’.

It’s quite the dilemma – the Met can either get better at dealing with crime or develop its damage limitation skills. Some officers are unhappy with the plan: ‘It’s one rule for the police and a different one for scrotes’, an officer told us. ‘Every time we do something a little off – murder a civilian, rape somebody, forget to turn up at an incident – we have to apologise. When did you last see an organised crime group spend money on marketing? No, they’re okay just to spend it on high living and bribing coppers. Oh – you’re not recording this, are you?’

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Image: https://pixabay.com/users/clker-free-vector-images-3736/

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