Deported migrant got more than £500

Border Force officials are pleased to see the back of an asylum seeker finally deported to Ethiopia today.

The press are reporting that the man was paid £500 so that he wouldn't make a fuss. Insiders say that he got a lot more than £500.

Our source said, 'That man was an ace negotiator. He was relentless. He asked for, and received, all kinds of amazing stuff.

'He got a signed photograph of Sir Mark Rowley, head of the Met Police, so that he could show his family who had lost out big time at hide and seek. He had to promise that he wouldn't share it with the press or post it on social media. He seemed very trustworthy, so our negotiators said yes. He also got Keir Starmer's wife's recipe for Lemon Cheesecake, the freedom of Epping, twelve sticks of seaside rock from Clacton, some nice clothes, and Sushi for the flight home.

'On the plus side, he has promised not to tell everyone in Ethiopia about the five hundred quid and the other goodies. So hopefully that will encourage Ethiopians to stay at home and not to take a trip to the UK.

image from pixabay

Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

"We managed to find a wrongly released prisoner who was hanging around in plain sight without shooting him, or stamping on his head and then covering it up by fabricating witness statements," boasted a spokes-Taser for the Met Police.

"That's why we're organising a victory parade for ourselves from Chelmsford to Finsbury Park, handing out the Hadush Kebatu Victory Medal to everyone involved in the complex task of tracking him down when he had told us where he was.

"We can be truly proud that we managed to apprehend someone within two days who wasn't actually trying to hide from us and managing not to arrest someone else instead, like Mr Ed the Talking Horse, and beating them senseless in the Charing Cross station cells."

image from google gemini

Reform Party to declare racists as an oppressed minority

The Reform Party is to take action to level the playing field for racists, addressing the perception that there is something wrong with them.

A spokesman, who clearly had something to get off his chest, gave us the following statement:

‘Racists are an oppressed minority, who should be protected from discrimination, ridicule and sneering. Other minorities are protected by law, and racists should be protected too.

‘We get shouted at in the street and when we go marching. Non-racists gang up on us, oppressing us with their massive counter-demonstrations. It’s cultural genocide. We should have freedom of association, but we are criticised for being pally with US racists. It’s perfectly normal to like someone’s posts, to buy their merch, to repeat their favourite slogans, and to amplify their rhetoric. Where’s the harm in that?

‘Racism is just normal behaviour. We all have prejudices. We have unconscious prejudices that we can’t do anything about. We all discriminate – I like him, I like her, but I don’t like them/they, for example. And we all feel antagonism – waiting for Virgin Media to pick up the phone, call centre operators that you can’t understand, the person who takes the last steak bake just before you get to the counter. And it’s not racist to paint red crosses on mini-roundabouts. We love the Red Cross. And their flag. And the England flag. And flags up lamp posts. All very normal. You shouldn’t get picked on for being normal. Being normal should be a protected characteristic.

‘So we are organising a Racist Pride march. The logo is different coloured fists, to represent all the many different flavours of racism. Nigel says he can’t come as he might attract the wrong kind of people, but he’s asked local Reform people to help out. We sent our application to march to the Charing Cross police station, and they said, yes, fine, no problem, we’ll sort out Sadiq Khan. Finally, we’re getting some respect.’

Hat tip to deskpilot

Image credit: perchance.org