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Sheriff J.W. Pepper named as next Met Police Chief


The world of policing has been turned upside down and the people of London will sleep much safer in their beds after the announcement of Sir Mark Rowley's replacement as Head of the Metropolitan Police.


"Sheriff J.W. Pepper is not everyone's first choice," said a spokesperson for the Mayor of London, Sir Sadiq Kahn. "But we feel that he has the skills, experience and know-how to make London safe once more."


Coming from small town Louisiana, Sheriff Pepper doesn't have a proven track record combatting inner-city crime, gangs and anti-social behaviour, but his experience of helping MI6 bring to justice moonshiners, car thieves, alligators, Dr Kananga and Francisco Scaramanga, will more than make up for it.


Speaking to our reporter, J. W. said he was looking forward to the challenge and added, ""By the powers invested in me by Sir Sadiq Khan, I hereby do commandeer this black cab, and all the goddam limeys within, to help fight crime. And that means you, smart ass."


Image: Grok


Met Police running low on fixed penalty notice supplies



Following Boris Johnson's trip to Kyiv and his promise to assist Zelenskiy with more weapons, the Met Police have sent almost their entire stock of fixed penalty notices to Ukraine. It is expected these will be put on Russian tanks parked on double yellow lines. As a consequence, the force has so far only been able to issue 50 fines to low-ranking Partygategoers.


The Met was unable to to say when it expects to get further supplies to replenish its stock, as they are apparently printed in the EU and may well be among the goods delayed by the queue of trucks waiting to board ferries.





First published 13 April 2022


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