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McSweeney's phone stolen by Yeti


The disgraced Chief of Staff insisted that it would be impossible to recover, as it had been abducted by aliens, swallowed by the Loch Ness Monster and had dropped through a wormhole in space. The phone, which contained incriminating messages, was unavoidably unavailable and would remain so "if it knew what was good for it".


Cynics suggested McSweeney was covering up evidence, and that Yetis preferred Android devices to iPhones. Nevertheless, the phone is utterly gone, along with Lord Lucan's filofax and Amelia Earhart's fidget spinner.


Police blamed their failure to properly investigate, on pixies and their usual corruption. It does mean we may never properly know the truth of whether the Labour Government were a bunch of crooks or if they were a bunch of crooks with WhatsApp.


image by Grok


Thousands of toddlers march in protest at proposed screen time restrictions


Central London was brought to a standstill yesterday as thousands of toddlers marched to Downing Street in protest at the Government’s proposed restrictions on screen time for children and young people


“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said London Police Commissioner Sir Mark Rowley-Powley.” “Most marches have a sense of direction, but this one was entirely random. They were meant to be going to Downing Street, but they kept getting distracted. One group decided to have a tea party in the middle of Oxford Circus – they had brought plastic cups and saucers with them. It was quite sweet, actually. They saw a homeless man with his dog and invited him to join them. Another group found their way to Hamleys and are believed to be still in the store.


“We also saw a large group of, I guess, two-year-olds who made their way to the Diana Memorial Garden where they played in the water. They loved seeing the horses.”


Police had to use cranes to pick some boys from the top of trees in Hyde Park. When they got them safely on the ground, two boys rushed at officers and reached to touch them screaming ‘COD! Nazi Zombies. You’re it!!’”


Questions remain about how the marchers got into central London in the first place. Police discovered a line of people carriers near Marble Arch, with drivers who could have been parents but claimed to be Uber drivers. They were all on their phones. There was also a fleet of nursery buses. Police discovered one boy proudly showing an officer a homemade pedal extension.


“I found out how to do it on You Tube,” he beamed. “It’s so cool.”


image from Grok


Next week, BBC's Panorama will be shooting fish in a barrel


"For its next project," said a BBC spokes-bot, clutching a Colt 45 and a fishing net, "Panorama is going to lift the lid off a barrel of herrings to see how many it can hit with high calibre bullets.


"This follows the tremendous success of our recent Panorama programme in which we lifted the lid off life in a central London police station and discovered, to absolutely no one's surprise, that some young coppers are really quite ignorant and brutal.


"Who knew?" said the Oxbridge-educated reporter for the programme, who was raised in a land of rainbows and unicorns.


"I honestly thought they spent their rest periods discussing the poetry of Elizabeth Barratt Browning rather than sitting around in the station's locker room smoking drugs that they'd confiscated from members of the public."


"Racist, sexist attitudes and savage violence have no place in the Metropolitan Police," said a spokes-angel for the force, "and we'll be launching an investigation immediately to root out officers guilty of such things.


"It won't take too long to find them," the spokes-cherub continued. "In fact, it'll be like shooting Filth in a barrel."



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