Harry 'Fingers' McClean exonerated by internal committee

Harry  'Fingers' McClean, currently under investigation by the Metropolitan Police for burglary, theft with menaces, carrying an offensive weapon, spitting in a latte, extortion, unnatural relations with a small puppy, tax avoidance with threats, operating a TV without a valid licence, and using sweary words in a public place, has been exonerated by an internal investigation. The investigation panel consisted of his mum and his Uncle Robert, who incidentally isn't a real uncle but does stop over to keep the family safe while Harry's dad serves time in Strangeways.

'We've looked at all the evidence, and we've interviewed Harry down the pub, and we can't find a shred of guilt,' said Harry's mum, who has based her investigative style on Nigel Farage.  'He's thorough, is Nigel.  Nuffink sticks, nor will it to our Harry,' she said.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police gave an official sigh. He noted that the Met seemed to have a lot more physical evidence than Mrs McClean.  'Our investigation, using real detectives and actual evidence, is taking a bit longer than Harry's mum, but if he is exonerated then we'll be the first to admit we were wrong,' he said, adding, 'but it is interesting that she interviewed him in the pub, as he's been in prison on remand for the last three months.  Maybe we need to broaden our investigation.'

Image credit: Wix AI

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McSweeney's phone stolen by Yeti

The disgraced Chief of Staff insisted that it would be impossible to recover, as it had been abducted by aliens, swallowed by the Loch Ness Monster and had dropped through a wormhole in space. The phone, which contained incriminating messages, was unavoidably unavailable and would remain so "if it knew what was good for it".

Cynics suggested McSweeney was covering up evidence, and that Yetis preferred Android devices to iPhones. Nevertheless, the phone is utterly gone, along with Lord Lucan's filofax and Amelia Earhart's fidget spinner.

Police blamed their failure to properly investigate, on pixies and their usual corruption. It does mean we may never properly know the truth of whether the Labour Government were a bunch of crooks or if they were a bunch of crooks with WhatsApp.

image by Grok

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Thousands of toddlers march in protest at proposed screen time restrictions

Central London was brought to a standstill yesterday as thousands of toddlers marched to Downing Street in protest at the Government’s proposed restrictions on screen time for children and young people

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said London Police Commissioner Sir Mark Rowley-Powley.” “Most marches have a sense of direction, but this one was entirely random. They were meant to be going to Downing Street, but they kept getting distracted. One group decided to have a tea party in the middle of Oxford Circus – they had brought plastic cups and saucers with them. It was quite sweet, actually. They saw a homeless man with his dog and invited him to join them. Another group found their way to Hamleys and are believed to be still in the store.

“We also saw a large group of, I guess, two-year-olds who made their way to the Diana Memorial Garden where they played in the water. They loved seeing the horses.”

Police had to use cranes to pick some boys from the top of trees in Hyde Park. When they got them safely on the ground, two boys rushed at officers and reached to touch them screaming ‘COD! Nazi Zombies. You’re it!!’”

Questions remain about how the marchers got into central London in the first place. Police discovered a line of people carriers near Marble Arch, with drivers who could have been parents but claimed to be Uber drivers. They were all on their phones. There was also a fleet of nursery buses. Police discovered one boy proudly showing an officer a homemade pedal extension.

“I found out how to do it on You Tube,” he beamed. “It’s so cool.”

image from Grok

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