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Quakers defo more violent than Met Police



In an act of swift justice and unparalleled irony, the Met arrested teenage Quakers for the threat of eating hummus past its sell by date. A Metropolitan Officer explained: 'Our actions stopped a serious sexual assault and murder,' explaining, 'locking up the Quakers prevented us from committing these crimes.'


There are currently 173 officers under investigation for domestic abuse and another 457 for other criminal activity - leaving just 3 officers not designated as molesting sociopaths to police the rest of Greater London. By contrast, there are zero Quakers responsible for violent acts of terrorism, 'which is proof enough we should lock them all up'. said the Officer: 'They were charged with conspiracy to cause a public nuisance by trying to save lives and some bull$hit about love - which is soooooo gay.'


Armed with Tasers and erections, the Met stormed the Quaker Meeting House, after complaints by neighbours of the absence of a disturbance. The Home Secretary stated 'serious violence' had been avoided - and she insisted the Met must try harder next time.



Met Police trials new slogan - “Most of us aren’t too bad”

The beleaguered PR department of London’s Metropolitan Police is understood to be trialling a new slogan - “Most of us aren’t too bad”.


The move follows the Angiolini Inquiry into the murder of Sarah Everard by serving police officer Wayne Couzens. This found that Couzens had committed many sexual offences beforehand, none of which resulted in his arrest or even being fired, and also that he had shared appalling WhatsApp messages with other officers in which they joked about sexual assault. Moreover, since her murder it has come to light that another officer in the same unit, David Carrick, was also a serial rapist.


A spokesman said he wished to make it clear that such officers were a tiny minority within the Met, and that most officers were quite content with sharing photos of murdered women and rating their attractiveness out of 10.


When a female Met officer complained that this was also unacceptable behaviour, the spokesman rolled his eyes, said she’d “probably got the painters in” and he “didn’t fancy her anyway”.


Image from pixabay

Met to flush out bad cop, badder cops




The Metropolitan police have conceded that their barrel of apples 'might be a bit rotten', based on the conviction rate of a significant number of serving officers. 'We think it's the old "good cop, bad cop" syndrome, introduced in the last twenty years,' admitted a senior policeman. 'Unfortunately we were forced to cut a lot of posts by the government and a disproportionate number of good cops left, leaving more bad cops than we anticipated,' he added.


To remedy the imbalance a number of officers from the Serious Crime unit have been seconded to identify the bad cops, but to date all they've done is complain that the people they've interviewed have insisted on turning their chairs around the wrong way, have blown smoke in their faces and have eaten all the sandwiches while the interviewer missed his lunch. 'It's not really that serious, the wrong way round, blowing smoke, eating all the sarnies bit,' complained one Serious Crimes officer, ' apart from the smoking in a police station bit, obvs, which is a problem because we're only trained for serious crimes. Now they're starting to swing the light bulb and calling us slags,' he added, welling up in tears.


A spokesman for the bad cops threatened to 'shove a truncheon up' our arse if we said anything negative about these predominantly fine, upstanding and essentially misunderstood dedicated policemen, even the rapists, conmen and potential Conservative MPs.


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