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Next week, BBC's Panorama will be shooting fish in a barrel

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"For its next project," said a BBC spokes-bot, clutching a Colt 45 and a fishing net, "Panorama is going to lift the lid off a barrel of herrings to see how many it can hit with high calibre bullets.


"This follows the tremendous success of our recent Panorama programme in which we lifted the lid off life in a central London police station and discovered, to absolutely no one's surprise, that some young coppers are really quite ignorant and brutal.


"Who knew?" said the Oxbridge-educated reporter for the programme, who was raised in a land of rainbows and unicorns.


"I honestly thought they spent their rest periods discussing the poetry of Elizabeth Barratt Browning rather than sitting around in the station's locker room smoking drugs that they'd confiscated from members of the public."


"Racist, sexist attitudes and savage violence have no place in the Metropolitan Police," said a spokes-angel for the force, "and we'll be launching an investigation immediately to root out officers guilty of such things.


"It won't take too long to find them," the spokes-cherub continued. "In fact, it'll be like shooting Filth in a barrel."



British Detectives Continue To Search Algarve Golf Courses for Madeleine McCann

Updated: Jun 6


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While German and Portuguese Police search wasteland near Praia da Luz for clues relating to the disappearance of Madeleine McCann 18 years ago, members of the Metropolitan Police case team continue to investigate their hunch that the three-year-old went missing in the rough around one of the Algarve's many golf courses.


Speaking at the first tee of the Espiche Club, lead officer DCI Savage gave an update on behalf of his team and four-ball, telling reporters, "While we accept it's an outside chance, we won't rest until every inch of this course and any others within 30 miles of Lagos have been thoroughly searched, which won't be that hard thanks to DS Brightman shanking every shot with his driver anywhere but the fairway!"


Four hours later, the search team returned with good news, "Hastings got a hole-in-one on the ninth!" Savage told us, "So that's saved the investigation a bit of cash as the Milky bars are on him tonight!"


When asked how long this case could be kept open, Savage said, "Well, there's three more courses to search, actually four if you count the Stableford competition we've got planned with the local plods. Then there's a rumour a girl matching the computer-aged images of Madeline was seen at the Portimão Restaurant Festival, so we've got some reservations there to follow-up the lead. After that, it depends how long the weather holds out and when the courts confirm the date for my misconduct hearing."


image form pixabay


Quakers defo more violent than Met Police


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In an act of swift justice and unparalleled irony, the Met arrested teenage Quakers for the threat of eating hummus past its sell by date. A Metropolitan Officer explained: 'Our actions stopped a serious sexual assault and murder,' explaining, 'locking up the Quakers prevented us from committing these crimes.'


There are currently 173 officers under investigation for domestic abuse and another 457 for other criminal activity - leaving just 3 officers not designated as molesting sociopaths to police the rest of Greater London. By contrast, there are zero Quakers responsible for violent acts of terrorism, 'which is proof enough we should lock them all up'. said the Officer: 'They were charged with conspiracy to cause a public nuisance by trying to save lives and some bull$hit about love - which is soooooo gay.'


Armed with Tasers and erections, the Met stormed the Quaker Meeting House, after complaints by neighbours of the absence of a disturbance. The Home Secretary stated 'serious violence' had been avoided - and she insisted the Met must try harder next time.



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