Trump hails the World Cup

'The World Cup is brilliant,' says Donald Trump, 'even though soccer is not a proper sport. We love it even so. American Football is obviously better, just because it is so much better. You can use your hands, for a start. And it has billionaires, proper helmets and proper all-American sporting heroes.

'It is a tragedy that no other countries play American Football. Maybe I'll lift tariffs on countries that start up American Football leagues. I bet that the Heard and McDonald Islands could put together a decent team, if they put their minds to it. If you don't have any sport now, then the best sport to start would be an American sport, not some lame playground game invented by the Limeys.

'The World Cup games played in America will be completely excellent,' says the President, 'the bestest and most wonderful. The games played in Canada and Mexico will be rubbish, and not worth watching. America knows how to do sporting events – girls, fireworks, gambling, pizzazz, sponsors, ad breaks, majorettes, half-time shows...and me! What a great combination – soccer and me. What could be better? Remember, I won't be going to Canada or Mexico for any of those games. Waste of time. Losers.

'Sure, the ticket prices for World Cup games are high, but that's democracy - anyone can get a ticket if they have the money. And you're getting the best soccer experience in the World. There's no substitute for a trip to the US, some World Cup soccer, an encounter with ICE, and hands-on experience of the US Justice system. And getting deported, if you have enough crypto to pay the exit fees. You won't get any of that in Canada or Mexico. Wimpy countries.

So, why not treat yourself to a pair of Trump World Cup golden soccer boots? Come visit the US. Watch great soccer - stuff you won't see on the BBC until they pay me the ten billion dollars that they owe me. Forget your diet and enjoy proper American food – like churros, pizza, tacos and gumbo – all served in proper American quantities. Enjoy our famous top quality chips (that means crisps, Limeys) and our most excellent top quality beers, like (sotto voce: have Budweiser donated yet? Yes? Good.) Budweiser. And you'll find out how a proper democracy works.

I'm backing the US team to win the World Cup. All the team members are very highly motivated, because I've explained what will happen if they don't win.

So come to the USA to watch us win the soccer World Cup. Remember - tickets, money, passports, bail bond. And remember to take home some souvenirs of your visit. How about some Bitcoin, or a $250 dollar bill with my face on it?

Image: WixAI

Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

The Department for Education has discovered that at least six Academy schools are sponsored by companies that are believed to be fronts for organised crime gangs.

Supply teachers and ‘careers advisors’ single out vulnerable students for work experience in illegal gambling, gun running, drug distribution and prostitution.  Students who do well are rewarded with doubles who take their exams for them, and may finish school with better qualifications than their peers – on paper at least.  Exceptional students may also have their driving tests taken for them, and in some cases get to go on all-expenses-paid school trips to Colombia or Mexico.

‘Our suspicions were aroused by some excellent academic achievements at Academy schools in deprived areas,’ said a spokesman, who wanted to remain anonymous. 'And these schools also had excellent results in getting students into jobs.

‘We had asked our experts were looking for examples of high performing schools, so that they could identify best practice and share it with other schools.  Unfortunately, one after another, these experts disappeared and have not been heard of since.  We are particularly concerned about one professional who was reviewing some excellent performance in Building and Construction exams.  When we tried to track him down, the school told us that there was no concrete evidence that he’d been abducted. and that our fears were ‘without foundation’.

The Department is currently considering whether to close down the schools that are involved, or – given the excellent exam results– to roll out the model more widely.

image from Google Gemini

UK recognises Mexico's right to Texas

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