Updated version of 1984 published in US

1984, George Orwell's famous study of autocratic tyranny, has long been on the list of books banned from American public schools and libraries.

Its sudden reappearance was therefore met with surprise, until people noticed it wasn't quite the same book they remembered.

'Russia is our ally, Russia has always been our ally,' declares the book in a particularly unexpected passage. 'They support us in our struggle against Canada and Mexico. So it's only right we should help them when Ukraine provocatively attacks Russian soldiers, hundreds of miles inside Ukrainian territory.

'We're not sure whose side Lesotho is on, but then it sounds like a made up country anyway.'

The book goes on to say Russia isn't actually at war, because they choose not to call it that. Moreover freedom is slavery, and ignorance, if not exactly strength, can certainly be helpful in getting elected.

It concludes with a paean of praise to 'Big Orange Brother', the great leader whose infinite wisdom guides a grateful nation to ever greater success and prosperity.

However, it's thought no one will ever read the new version, because all public schools and libraries have now been closed so that Elon Musk can have a slightly larger tax break.

Image: https://photofunia.com/

Trump now “a glowing orange eye” on top of Trump Tower

White House staff unable to find the dealmaker in chief, and worried what he might get up to if left unsupervised, were initially relieved to hear he’d been spotted.

However, they were less pleased to hear he is now manifesting as a glowing orange eye on top of Trump Tower in New York, from which he can see both the Canadian and Mexican borders to check the tariffs are being applied.

Initial reports suggests that, although Trump can no longer take physical form (which the First Lady describes as “really no problem at all, honestly”) he has poured all his malice, his cruelty and his will to dominate into an unconvincing straw-coloured wig, which cannot be destroyed by any conventional means. An attempt to burn it only resulted in the appearance of glowing characters around the rim.

”It is the language of Mordor-a-Lago, which I will not utter here,” said a White House staffer. “But in the common tongue it says 

One wig to rule them all

One wig to find them

Which we will, by the way, we have the best people, really terrific people, everybody says so…

before it runs out of room.”

The only hope of the free peoples of Middle America is that the wig be taken to Cape Canaveral, where it may be destroyed in the resulting fireball the next time Elon Musk tries to launch anything. 

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Trump blames diversity for the lack of diversity

Having blamed all of America's ills on disabled parking and gender neutral cup holders, the President explained that the real reason we had so few minorities in The White House was checks notes because we have so many minorities in The White House. According to Trump, an excess of Mexicans had led to a bottleneck at The White House gates, making it impossible for fellow Mexicans to come in, so they could be deported in an orderly fashion.

He further elaborated, that plane collisions were caused by Woke air traffic controllers, the AI stock crash was the result of taking the knee and the Ukraine War could have been avoided if Ukraine had not been so busy with pronoun badges.

Through a series of hastily worded Tweets, Trump made it clear that Cancel Culture was forcing him to ban certain groups. Affirmative Action was really Negative. And the Me Too Movement was just asking for it.