Trump now “a glowing orange eye” on top of Trump Tower

White House staff unable to find the dealmaker in chief, and worried what he might get up to if left unsupervised, were initially relieved to hear he’d been spotted.

However, they were less pleased to hear he is now manifesting as a glowing orange eye on top of Trump Tower in New York, from which he can see both the Canadian and Mexican borders to check the tariffs are being applied.

Initial reports suggests that, although Trump can no longer take physical form (which the First Lady describes as “really no problem at all, honestly”) he has poured all his malice, his cruelty and his will to dominate into an unconvincing straw-coloured wig, which cannot be destroyed by any conventional means. An attempt to burn it only resulted in the appearance of glowing characters around the rim.

”It is the language of Mordor-a-Lago, which I will not utter here,” said a White House staffer. “But in the common tongue it says 

One wig to rule them all

One wig to find them

Which we will, by the way, we have the best people, really terrific people, everybody says so…

before it runs out of room.”

The only hope of the free peoples of Middle America is that the wig be taken to Cape Canaveral, where it may be destroyed in the resulting fireball the next time Elon Musk tries to launch anything. 

image from pixabay

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Trump blames diversity for the lack of diversity

Having blamed all of America's ills on disabled parking and gender neutral cup holders, the President explained that the real reason we had so few minorities in The White House was checks notes because we have so many minorities in The White House. According to Trump, an excess of Mexicans had led to a bottleneck at The White House gates, making it impossible for fellow Mexicans to come in, so they could be deported in an orderly fashion.

He further elaborated, that plane collisions were caused by Woke air traffic controllers, the AI stock crash was the result of taking the knee and the Ukraine War could have been avoided if Ukraine had not been so busy with pronoun badges.

Through a series of hastily worded Tweets, Trump made it clear that Cancel Culture was forcing him to ban certain groups. Affirmative Action was really Negative. And the Me Too Movement was just asking for it.

Trump threatens to annex Love Island

The 47th president has threatened the renegade territory, whose sovereignty is a grey area, with the full might of American invasive techniques, honed over multiple movie-inspiring wars, unless it does something to stop him. 'Love Island is prime property that could fall into the hands of the Crink powers lest the commander in chief moves TODAY,' said a White House insider. Crink stands for China, Russia, Iran, North Korea, and the incessant need to acronymize.

In recent weeks, Trump has stepped up his whispering campaign of possible annexations of plum-located nation territories with piddling militaries, such as Canada, Greenland, Panama, and Great Britain. With the Gulf of Mexico being renamed The Gulf of America and traditional military headwear being replaced with reinforced MAGA caps, supporters think the time is ripe to snatch the island from under the noses of grasping yellow hands.

'America needs to control Love Island to ensure international security,' said the insider. The island is a black hole for diplomacy, and has seen scores of transient relationships fall by the wayside. It is also a monarchy whose current head, Burger King, has exerted power with nothing like the full understanding of Peter Thiel's constant frown.

Meanwhile there are fears that with the world's attention firmly focused on the various threats put about by Trump solely to secure leverage and wholly unlikely to be acted upon, China will roll over Taiwan this spring, kickstarting the kind of world war only banks survive. 'My belief,' said one analyst, 'is that Love Island is at a unique geographical vulnerability, being the shallowest island on Earth.'

Image: WixAI