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Tristan Tate's book: How to be the 'ultimate beta male'


Tristan Tate, brother of the more famous Andrew, has written a book about how to harness your 'beta male energy' to become the second most famous and impressive guy in the room, provided it’s a small room with only two guys in it.


The book includes useful tips such as making sure you’re in the background when people take photos of your more famous brother, as well as tweeting obsequiously about him at least once a day.


'For example, when Andrew announced we were moving to Romania because their laws on sexual assault are weaker, I commented ‘Yeah!’ Which I think really made people sit up and take notice.


'And it’s working. Whereas a few years ago, focus groups showed that hardly anyone had heard of Tristan Tate, now people are more likely to respond ‘No, I don’t think…oh wait, is Tristan the brother?' '


However, preliminary indications are that Tristan may have trouble finding a publisher for his book.


'I honestly thought there was no one sadder than Andrew Tate, bragging about abusing women and then being surprised when he ends up in court for doing exactly that,' said one well-known publisher. 'But it turns out there are wannabes who are even cringier.


'Sorry to be slow in responding to your enquiry, but after reading his manuscript, I felt the need for a very long shower.'


STOP PRESS: Tristan announced today that his book would be published after all, because Andrew told his publisher they couldn’t have his next book unless they agreed to publish Tristan’s as well.


'No problem, bruv, happy to help,' Andrew told his pathetically grateful brother. 'But, er, now you’re making some money, maybe you could think about getting a place of your own, yeah?'


Picture credit: Wix AI

New talent show - The Double-X Factor



ITV has announced the launch of a new talent show, The Double-X Factor.


The format will be similar to its famous predecessor, The X Factor, except that any woman who does too well will immediately be accused of being a man.


No amount of producing birth certificates or passports, or pointing out that being a man wouldn’t give them an advantage anyway, will satisfy the snarling newspaper columnists, former children’s authors or keyboard warriors of X (formerly Twitter, now Double-X).


Each show will culminate in the judges lasciviously baying for the contestant to strip naked to prove she’s a woman, leading one audience member to say the idea that Simon Cowell has any desire to see a naked woman was 'the most implausible thing I’ve been expected to believe yet'.


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